July 9 2013

WAHOO! Signed up for an adoption conference in Calgary Alberta today.  It's on November 8th and 9th, and we're registered.  I got so excited I didn't really think about the fact that I should really get my work holidays approved before I registered, or maybe set up childcare (We will either have to leave Elliott home with somebody, or bring someone along with us to watch him).  http://waitingtobelong.ca/conference The cost for the two days, for both of us is $180, and that includes an extra conference and lunch on the Saturday.  I read rave reviews about last year's conference in Vancouver - I hope this years is as good.  The "Waiting to Belong" is an initiative of Focus on the Family - I grew up listening to the radio show on and off.  Last year Russell Moore did  a session, I would like to hear him speak live one day.

Now, if only the AEP registration would open up I'd be able to stop worrying about missing the September session! Both Cal and I check the webpage several times a day (several is an understatement for me....) Reading the "Registration Coming Soon!" over and over again throughout the day might be driving me a bit insane (Short trip!!)

I've been discussing openness with an adoptive parent friend the last couple days via email.  She asked me what I think about openness, which made me really have to think and attempt to vocalize my thoughts (ok, write them...same difference) my response went a little something like this: "Before I did any reading on the subject I felt pulled towards closed adoption.  I think the way adoption  is portrayed in most books and movies led me to feel that way.  When I started researching and reading I felt strongly pushed towards openness.  Then my friend's sister's baby was born, and was taken by the ministry, and I learned from a real family what openness can mean.  I put myself into their situation, by imagining that none of their family members were emotionally or financially able to take on the baby, and therefore he was place for adoption and we were able to bring him home with us.  How could I keep him from having a relationship with these grandparents and aunt & uncle & cousin, and half brother, who love him dearly?  At the same time that that was going on I received the Focus on Adoption magazine for the quarter, and it was entirely about openness.  I'm sure when we have a placement we will have struggles and doubts, but right now I'm very much an advocate for openness.  I really believe a person's history is important, and they should have all the facts - the information is theirs, so it should be available to them from an early age (All the information, described age appropriately)."

June 18 2013

The night that my friend Rachelle invited me to the adoption support meeting at a local church I was able to re-connect with a couple I knew in high school.  They have adopted their daughter through the ministry, and are foster parents.  We went to their home last night to visit and talk about adoption.  It basically became a venting session about the ministry process.  It was nice to know that we have similar frustrations, even though our situations are very different (They foster/adopt addicted babies, and we're looking at old child adoption). To hear about their experiences with the same social worker and contacts that we have, as well as how they deal with them, was great.  Their biggest piece of advice was Pray and Push.  Basically keep God in the mix, and keep checking in with the social worker, to make sure your file keeps going.  If we feel that God wants something a certain way, we shouldn't let anything stand in the way because the social workers, or adoption board or whomever is making it difficult.  They wrote letters 12 times to a specific board before their request was granted.  That is persistence.

Just sent a "touch base" email to our Social Worker this morning (Haven't talked to her in almost three weeks, and I just wanted to make sure we're not forgotten) and I also emailed a lady from the AFABC about the AEP course, because she'd said the course would be added to the webpage a couple weeks ago and it hasn't been yet. 

Email sent:
I just wanted to send you a note to touch base. 

I've spoken to the education supervisor from the AFABC and now know the dates for the AEP courses in the fall - we're waiting for the webpage to be updated so we can sign up for the September course.

I thought I'd send you an update of the research we've collected and are utilizing. I attached it separately so it should be easier to print out if you have a hard copy file for us :)

I also attached the body of an email from Andrea Chatwin with her response to questions regarding birth order and sibling attachment.

Please let us know if there is a certain topic you think we should look into further, or if you know of any other resources that may be beneficial for us.

Thanks for putting up with me!

ESal and Cal

The research I attached to the email is a three page word document documenting the books, articles, interviews, radio broadcasts, courses, etc. that we've been collecting. Each time I get a new bit of information I add it to the word document, so that I can go back and reference the information any time I need it.

On a completely unrelated adoption wise note, I was having a rough night last night.  I've always felt that I am a friendly person, and that I've had a good group of friends, but last night I was struck with a really lonely feeling.  I still can't really explain it, nor has it fully gone away.

June 15 2013

I just got back from a quick trip down south.  The company I work for (Yup, I work part time as an insurance broker) had a convention in a town a couple hours away from my friends who are taking care of their nephew who was taken by the ministry and placed in their custody.  I went to the convention on my regular work day (Monday), and got the company to postpone my return flight to Friday.  I rented a car and drove on over to visit my friends and help them out for a few days.  They have a three year old who is feeling a bit displaced. 
It is really very interesting and thought invoking to see the "other" side, the family side, of MCFD cases. It really does put openness in a different light.  What if, heaven forbid, the ministry found a reason to take that baby away from the aunt and uncle who have taken him on, and decided to raise him as their own son?  They would be devastated. What if he was adopted by strangers and they didn't have an openness agreement.  Would that be fair to them? Would that be fair to the baby? They're a part of him - they should be in his life. 
While on my little trip I went in to a used book store to see if they had any books on adoption (my current collection obsession) - I asked the lady at the front if they had any and she responded that she didn't think there were any, but that she would show me the parenting section.  We arrived at the section and she looked at me and said "I adopted 30 years ago, and again 25 years ago". I blurted out some questions at her before I realized it was probably rude to do so.  When I thought about it I did tell her that if she felt I was out of line she of course didn't have to answer.  She laughed at me and told me that she used to speak at adoption conferences and such.  We chatted for a good 15 minutes. She adopted through the ministry as well, but she adopted infants.  They adopted their son after waiting 3.5 years, and their daughter 5 years after that.  It's amazing the people God places in our life. She recommended a book "Why Was I Adopted?" (http://books.google.ca/books/about/Why_was_I_Adopted.html?id=KbFRdyvdlb8C&redir_esc=y) I had actually seen that book at another used book store earlier that day, but passed it over, because it was mostly about infant adoption.  I felt that it may actually make older adopted children bitter because of some of the themes.
I had walked to the book store from my friends house - the book store was at the bottom of a long long hill - so I had some time to think coming up the hill.  I really don't think I will find a children's book that will address the situation that the children we adopt will be coming from.  So I actually decided that when the time comes I will write them their story.  I will write it, and illustrate it, and bind it, if it will help them to understand better where they came from, and how they ended it up in our life.
I found a couple books about FASD in Value Village (have I mentioned that I LOVE Value Village for books?).  I really had no knowledge of FAS or FASD.  I devoured one entire book on the plane "Living with FASD a guide for parents" by Sara Graefe.  I feel like I have a basic understanding, but would need a LOT more information before being able to definitively agree to take on a child with FAS. We weren't able to take the AFABC webinar on substance exposed children because of my trip.  I'm hoping they run it again in the fall. (I wish that our friends would have taken the webinar actually, as their nephew was substance exposed in utero - I message my friend when I found out about the course but she never seemed interested.)
Well I've rambled on enough for tonight.  I'm sure I'll be back with more words of miscellany soon.

June 7 2013

I finally figured out how to research adopting out of birth order.  There really isn't much literature on it (No books specifically on the topic, no major articles written on it, etc.), but I finally decided that blended families are similar to adoptive families - often the birth order gets re-arranged when two families come together.  I've found a lot more information using this line of research - mostly it is information about how to blend families well and handle difficulties which can/will arise.  This is pretty much the perfect information for us, because we still believe that a sibling group older than our two year old will be the best fit for our family.  Our son will loose his "oldest sibling" status, but he's an only child, so he'll (probably) keep his "youngest sibling" status too.  The youngest child in the sibling group we adopt will likely loose their "youngest sibling" status to Elliott.

We took another webinar last night - the third part of a three part series on Attachment.  The first two parts were mostly just explaining what attachment is (Which we've researched a lot, so it wasn't much new information)  but the session last night was the "tool kit" which gave ideas of how to facilitate the child's attachment.  They discussed discipline a bit as well - mostly to describe a "Time In" instead of a time out.  Not sure I fully agree with the "Time In" method - which is basically just giving in and giving your child the attention they're calling for by acting out.  I believe adopted children require different methods of discipline (with the trauma and abuse that the children may have suffered, physical discipline, and raising ones voice could potentially harm the child emotionally) but I haven't determined what that discipline will look like in our household yet.

We have set up a visit with a couple we know who have adopted  a little girl from the ministry.  They've had the sweetheart since she was 5 days old, and now the papers have finally been finalized and she's almost 2.  They're welcome to let us see her life book and MCFD file and everything.  Our visit is in just over a week and I'm super excited about it. 

A slide that they showed during the webinar last night had a quote from  Austin O'Malley from 1915 that I really liked: "When you are dealing with a child, keep all your wits about you, and sit on the floor"

I just received an email from the education coordinator at the AFABC letting me know the next AEP (Adoption Education Program) dates! YAY!!!!
"Thanks for your email and inquiry.  We’re currently in the process of getting our webpage updated with the new AEP online information, but I can tell you the dates we have for fall starts.  We will have 3 sessions starting in the fall, each with 2 cohorts of 12 participants.  The start dates are September 5, October 3 & November 7"

June 3 2013

God is amazing.  It feels like every time I get a little discouraged He places some great adoption connection in my path.  Today it was in the form of my friend Rachelle inviting me to go see a guest speaker on adoption at a local church.  I went and connected with several local families (a friend from elementary school & her husband that I've been thinking about tons this week even) and heard the story of a woman who was adopted as an infant.  It was a nice low key evening.  I loved having Rachelle along, especially because she asked all the questions that I was thinking, but was too shy to ask.  They had books and literature that they were giving away free, I took several pamphlets and a couple books.  I got to talking to a lady after and we were discussing the type of adoption we were planning, I mentioned that we were looking at a large sibling group, and it turns out we've both fallen in love with the same sibling group of four.  Small world.  The lady and her husband are just starting their homestudy.
There were a three couples there, as well as four women that came without their husbands (me included).  They're trying to make this meeting a regular thing, and I put Cal and I on the contact list.  Looking forward to their next gathering, which I plan on making Cal come along to. :) I know he would have liked to have come, but had prior engagements tonight.

May 16 2013

Had a WONDERFUL talk with Sarina, the adoption coordinator from another region yesterday.  She shared her story of her own family with me, as well as a lot of information about the adoption process in general.  We talked for over an hour and half, and I came away feeling energized, understood, and uplifted.

I've talked to our Social Worker a few times now, and every time I mention the research we're doing she mentions that we should really find someone to talk to about adopting outside the birth order (Because our son is only 2 it is very likely that he will no longer be the oldest after we adopt).  I finally went looking for some information this morning and found this article/blog post http://eggplantissues.blogspot.ca/2012/01/birth-order-excuse.html It totally explains a concept that pops into my head every time the SW talks about birth order - WHAT ABOUT THE ADOPTED CHILDS BIRTH ORDER?! Sure, my child may loose his "eldest child" position, but if we adopted a baby we'd be disrupting that baby's position.  How is it fair to only take our "biological" children into account? Why can't we just treat the children as we would any child of their physical and emotional age?

Another post that backs me up is http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=814.
I really didn't go looking for articles that backed up my opinion - these really are just the first two I've read.  I will actively look for opposing opinions, to try to understand the reasoning behind the advice to not adopt out of family birth order. So far the only information that makes any sense to me is talked about in the second article referenced above "Some social workers suggest that parents do best when they grow into parenting, that is, meeting and learning about each developmental stage as it presents itself. Thus, childless parents adopt infants, and parents of a child adopted as an infant now in kindergarten adopt a child younger than age 6. Under any circumstances, some argue, parents who have raised their child only to first-grade age shouldn’t attempt suddenly to raise a teenager."
We have already thought of this, and believe we could handle a child up to 13. We'll see what the social worker thinks when we do the homestudy I guess. 

May 2nd Part two.

After Sarina emailed me I started thinking about how I wanted to talk to other people who successfully adopted children.  She emailed me so that I would have her contact information, so I hit reply and asked her if she would be willing to share her story with me about their adoption of their two children.  She responded in seconds, telling me that she would be very willing, but would prefer to do it over the phone.  I am so excited.

I also asked Rachelle if I could meet and talk to her parents when they come to visit and she was open to it as well. Did I mention I'm excited? :)

May 2 2013

Just received a call from Sarina, the adoption support coordinator for North Central.  She received our information from the AFABC and wanted to touch base.  She seems VERY helpful and will be following up with an email.  While talking we realised that we should actually be on another ladies list (the coordinator that I talked to first, who works out of a neighbouring town), but she agreed to keep me on her list as well, so that we'll be informed of information and courses for the Prince George area too.  She is an adoptive parent of two children, and took over the position of coordinator in February. 

My friend Rachelle has an adopted sister (through the MCFD) and her parents will be up in the middle of June (Her sister is coming too).  I'd really like to talk to them about their experience adopting their daughter.

Finally got an appointment to see the doctor to have our medical questionnaires filled out.  It isn't until the 23rd, but at least we're getting closer to having this step completed!

Tonight is the second part of the webinar we're taking through the AFABC on Transitioning children into adoption.  Looking forward to this portion, because I think it's supposed to be more in depth than the last part was.  Part one was about the process of adopting, and I find I've been told about the process many many times now.

We are meeting excellent and amazing people through this journey.  I'm so happy about our decision!

March 25 2013

March 25 2013

 Our decision has given me a sense of real peace over both our fertility issues and our miscarriage.  (2 Thessalonians 3 discusses God giving us HIS peace…read it this week, it was awesome)  The decision to adopt while we still know that it is a choice, not a “resort” feels absolutely like the right thing to do.  I am confident in the knowledge that we could achieve another pregnancy with the use of Chlomid again, if that was our wish, but we both feel very strongly led to adopt a “Waiting Child”.  We know the very real challenges that come with this decision, and we’re willing and ready to learn, search, pray and find resources to guide us with whatever children God gives to us. 

 

I’ve requested 3 books from the AFABC, which I’m really looking forward to reading. 

 

Another thing I wanted to write in this here journal is that the feelings of longing and jealousy that I used to get when seeing a newborn, or pregnant lady, have dissipated.   We want to achieve parenthood again, not pregnancy.  I’m lucky and glad that I was able to have that experience, but it isn’t required for me to love a child.  I love my friends children as much as I love my own nieces, and I KNOW that a child that is placed in our care, who we help choose, and who is chosen for us, will be loved by both of us as much as our own son is. 

 

I’m not saying that I’m no longer sad about our miscarriage, but we learn every day that everything happens for a reason.  We knew that God would strengthen us through the loss of our baby Ezekiel.  The name Ezekiel means exactly that “God will strengthen”.  We may have needed to go through that experience to make us ready to leap into the next phase in our life.  I’m SO excited about this step, the process involved, the people we will meet, and mostly to meet our new children.  I want them with me now, but understand that the steps involved are there to protect these children.  I’ve started praying for the children we will receive (and the other waiting children). 

I talked to Cal today about using our people resources.  I want to talk to Alan and Rhoda’s friend Joyce and her family.  They’ve adopted 10 children, and I would love to speak with her about it.  We know that the process is only just beginning so we’re thinking about having the whole family of 12 over in the summer for a barbeque.  I’m not sure if I’m patient enough to wait that long, so may try to sneak in a coffee date with just her before then.  I also look forward to discussing blended families with Cal's parents.  I think that they will be resources to utilize as well.