June 18 2013

The night that my friend Rachelle invited me to the adoption support meeting at a local church I was able to re-connect with a couple I knew in high school.  They have adopted their daughter through the ministry, and are foster parents.  We went to their home last night to visit and talk about adoption.  It basically became a venting session about the ministry process.  It was nice to know that we have similar frustrations, even though our situations are very different (They foster/adopt addicted babies, and we're looking at old child adoption). To hear about their experiences with the same social worker and contacts that we have, as well as how they deal with them, was great.  Their biggest piece of advice was Pray and Push.  Basically keep God in the mix, and keep checking in with the social worker, to make sure your file keeps going.  If we feel that God wants something a certain way, we shouldn't let anything stand in the way because the social workers, or adoption board or whomever is making it difficult.  They wrote letters 12 times to a specific board before their request was granted.  That is persistence.

Just sent a "touch base" email to our Social Worker this morning (Haven't talked to her in almost three weeks, and I just wanted to make sure we're not forgotten) and I also emailed a lady from the AFABC about the AEP course, because she'd said the course would be added to the webpage a couple weeks ago and it hasn't been yet. 

Email sent:
I just wanted to send you a note to touch base. 

I've spoken to the education supervisor from the AFABC and now know the dates for the AEP courses in the fall - we're waiting for the webpage to be updated so we can sign up for the September course.

I thought I'd send you an update of the research we've collected and are utilizing. I attached it separately so it should be easier to print out if you have a hard copy file for us :)

I also attached the body of an email from Andrea Chatwin with her response to questions regarding birth order and sibling attachment.

Please let us know if there is a certain topic you think we should look into further, or if you know of any other resources that may be beneficial for us.

Thanks for putting up with me!

ESal and Cal

The research I attached to the email is a three page word document documenting the books, articles, interviews, radio broadcasts, courses, etc. that we've been collecting. Each time I get a new bit of information I add it to the word document, so that I can go back and reference the information any time I need it.

On a completely unrelated adoption wise note, I was having a rough night last night.  I've always felt that I am a friendly person, and that I've had a good group of friends, but last night I was struck with a really lonely feeling.  I still can't really explain it, nor has it fully gone away.

June 9 2013

We took a webinar through the AFABC on attachment this month.  In the last session one of our questions was not answered because we were out of time, so the presenters agreed to answer some individual questions by email.  Andrea Chatwin of Achildsong.ca was the presenter. Here is our question and her response (Edited some of her response because she referred to personal experience, and I didn't feel it was my place to post about it on the interweb):

Hi Andrea,   We were in the attachment webinar through AFABC last night, and our question did not get answered because we ran out of time. The education coordinator said that you would be willing to answer the individual questions if we emailed you directly.  Our question was: How would you recommend facilitating attachment between birth and adoptive children in a family? Our social worker has also requested that we research birth order (our biological son is 2, and we're looking to adopt an older sibling group), but have been unable to find many resources on the subject.  Is there any information you would be able to direct us to on the subject matter? Thank you so much for your time!! ESal and Cal --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello ESal and Cal,   Thank you for taking the time to follow-up with me about your question. I saw it on the board during the webinar but time was so short. You are right that there are not too many resources about sibling attachment. I think that the most significant issues related to siblings in adoptive families is for everyone to be clear about roles. Depending on your adopted child's experiences prior to placement they will need to be taught various things about what is expected of children and what is expected of parents or other adults. Your adopted children might find your relationship with your birth child to be threatening in some way. They may find that they are triggered by things you do/say with your birth child depending on what their experience at age two was.   This leads to your second question about birth order. What is more significant than chronological birth order is the birth order is the 'family age' of children. So, essentially if you adopt children older than two, in terms of family age your biological child will be the 'oldest.' Does that make sense? He has had the most opportunity to develop trust and to experience you repeatedly respond according to the 'attachment cycle' I discussed in class. Let's say you adopt two children age 8 and 10. Those two children essentially become infants in family age. They will need even more immediate responding and close nurturance and supervision than your two year old will. That can be tricky. It will be important when you have a match to pay close attention to their early history and what their first few years were like.   I hope that helps a little. You asked two very big questions. Each situation is unique and will require careful consideration and planning to meet each child's individual needs. If you are concerned about a match or would like to discuss this further when your children are being placed I am available to provide individual consultation sessions either in person or via Skype.   Best wishes on the next phase of your adoption journey :)   Sincerely,   Andrea Chatwin, MA, CCC A Child's Song Consultant, Educator and Therapist