June 30 2013

Well, basically right now there isn't a lot for me to blog about.  We're really just in the waiting game.  I'm compiling resources and researching still, but besides picking a few books up (For SUPER CHEAP) at the local library there really isn't much else to report. 

We've gone public with our adoption plan, and we've had such amazing support. Our families and friends have been so great, but it's a bit weird to not have our little secret anymore.  It's all I ever want to talk about but I restrain myself, so that people don't think I'm crazy and self centred. 

My big sis read through ALL 30+ blog posts in approximately one hour and had some great questions for me.  Love her tons.

Cal had a conversation with a fellow we knew through school and through some friends. He comes across as a bit of a clown, but he really is a great guy to talk to, and we both actually really value his thoughts and opinions.  He told Cal that it was "noble" and that it was a great decision. We aren't doing it to be noble, but it was pretty neat to hear that said of us.

I told another friend the other day that has been living abroad.  She thought it was pretty excellent too.  I love that our support network is so loving and...supportive lol.

June 21 2013

Cal finally decided it was time to tell our families our plan to adopt. (I've wanted to for ages).

We went last night and told his parents first. Their reaction was positive, but his dad did bring up every negative adoption story they've ever hear of, in the attempt to make sure we think through what we're doing.  His mom remarked that they had said to each other a few months ago that we would be a good candidate to adopt, but that they never would have mentioned it, because it's such a personal decision to make.  They also stated that because we're trying to adopt we'll probably get pregnant.  Some day I will have to start educating the world - that doesn't always happen, and that absolutely isn't a reason to decide to adopt.  I'm trying to make it very clear that this is not our second choice, it's just an alternate choice.  We actively made the decision to adopt children instead of trying to conceive biological children. 

Next we went to tell my parents.  They were also very positive, and my dad said my favorite thing that anyone has said to us so far. He said something along the lines of "More grandkids - excellent!"  I LOVE that he is already thinking of them as his grandkids.  Cal agreed that he had the best idea of adoption - the other grandparents (including my Mum) seemed to focus on how our family (Caleb, I and Elliott) would be affected - It isn't about us, it's about the kids.  My Mum looked pretty happy for us, but also proceeded to discuss the possibility of getting pregnant after adoption.  It's funny that those are the first stories that seem to come to people's minds after you mention adoption. 

I'm looking forward to the reactions of the rest of our family members. The fact that we're looking at older sibling groups seems to stop people a little in their tracks as well, but in the end each person has told us that if any couple could do it, we would be the couple. 

It's so weird to have our little "secret" out in the open, and be able to openly discuss it.  It's kind of like how it felt to tell people we were pregnant after the first trimester with our son.  Less hysteria this time though, more caution, less cheering haha.  I can be excited enough for all of us though. This is where we want to go in life, and I'm pretty pumped about working our way towards our goal of having a large family.

Got an email from the gal in charge of education through AFABC yesterday.  She says that they'll be working on the AEP webpage today, in hopes of getting the training registration underway soon.  I've checked and it's still not up and running, but I'll be keeping my eyes open for it!

June 19 2013

I got a response back from our social worker today, gave me a happy moment.  Last time we sent her similar information she responded with a generic sounding email, this time she specifically said she has read my email, and that she'll be including it in our homestudy (when it finally occurs).  Here is our her response to yesterday's email:

Finally had a chance to read your email.  This is so wonderful!  You have both done a great job at researching adoption.  I really liked Andrea Chatwin’s response, it makes so much sense and is very clear. 

I will place this email and attachment in your adoption file.  I plan to highlight all this fabulous research (in your home study) that you have sought out as it will show a social worker how motivated you are to adopt J

And that you are people who can seek out information and resources when needed, which is so crucial when being a parent through adoption. 
Thanks!

 

I'm very glad that I attached the email from Andrea Chatwin, because it really does prove that we're trying to find information that she's asked us to look into.  The whole email had a very positive feeling with it.

 

Once again - on an unrelated note, I had a bracelet made in memory of the baby we lost, and in celebration of our son.  It's a beautiful leather double wrap bracelet, with our  son's name stamped on the first wrap, with his date of birth, and then the sentence "God will strengthen" on the second wrap, along with the day we lost our second munchkin (His birthday).  We decided it would help us to name our baby, so we named him Ezekiel (I felt from day one that it was another boy) and the name means God will strengthen.  I love love love it, and I feel that it helps with the pain that still rears it's head now and then.  I look forward to one day adding another bracelet with our adopted children's names!

June 18 2013

The night that my friend Rachelle invited me to the adoption support meeting at a local church I was able to re-connect with a couple I knew in high school.  They have adopted their daughter through the ministry, and are foster parents.  We went to their home last night to visit and talk about adoption.  It basically became a venting session about the ministry process.  It was nice to know that we have similar frustrations, even though our situations are very different (They foster/adopt addicted babies, and we're looking at old child adoption). To hear about their experiences with the same social worker and contacts that we have, as well as how they deal with them, was great.  Their biggest piece of advice was Pray and Push.  Basically keep God in the mix, and keep checking in with the social worker, to make sure your file keeps going.  If we feel that God wants something a certain way, we shouldn't let anything stand in the way because the social workers, or adoption board or whomever is making it difficult.  They wrote letters 12 times to a specific board before their request was granted.  That is persistence.

Just sent a "touch base" email to our Social Worker this morning (Haven't talked to her in almost three weeks, and I just wanted to make sure we're not forgotten) and I also emailed a lady from the AFABC about the AEP course, because she'd said the course would be added to the webpage a couple weeks ago and it hasn't been yet. 

Email sent:
I just wanted to send you a note to touch base. 

I've spoken to the education supervisor from the AFABC and now know the dates for the AEP courses in the fall - we're waiting for the webpage to be updated so we can sign up for the September course.

I thought I'd send you an update of the research we've collected and are utilizing. I attached it separately so it should be easier to print out if you have a hard copy file for us :)

I also attached the body of an email from Andrea Chatwin with her response to questions regarding birth order and sibling attachment.

Please let us know if there is a certain topic you think we should look into further, or if you know of any other resources that may be beneficial for us.

Thanks for putting up with me!

ESal and Cal

The research I attached to the email is a three page word document documenting the books, articles, interviews, radio broadcasts, courses, etc. that we've been collecting. Each time I get a new bit of information I add it to the word document, so that I can go back and reference the information any time I need it.

On a completely unrelated adoption wise note, I was having a rough night last night.  I've always felt that I am a friendly person, and that I've had a good group of friends, but last night I was struck with a really lonely feeling.  I still can't really explain it, nor has it fully gone away.

June 15 2013

I just got back from a quick trip down south.  The company I work for (Yup, I work part time as an insurance broker) had a convention in a town a couple hours away from my friends who are taking care of their nephew who was taken by the ministry and placed in their custody.  I went to the convention on my regular work day (Monday), and got the company to postpone my return flight to Friday.  I rented a car and drove on over to visit my friends and help them out for a few days.  They have a three year old who is feeling a bit displaced. 
It is really very interesting and thought invoking to see the "other" side, the family side, of MCFD cases. It really does put openness in a different light.  What if, heaven forbid, the ministry found a reason to take that baby away from the aunt and uncle who have taken him on, and decided to raise him as their own son?  They would be devastated. What if he was adopted by strangers and they didn't have an openness agreement.  Would that be fair to them? Would that be fair to the baby? They're a part of him - they should be in his life. 
While on my little trip I went in to a used book store to see if they had any books on adoption (my current collection obsession) - I asked the lady at the front if they had any and she responded that she didn't think there were any, but that she would show me the parenting section.  We arrived at the section and she looked at me and said "I adopted 30 years ago, and again 25 years ago". I blurted out some questions at her before I realized it was probably rude to do so.  When I thought about it I did tell her that if she felt I was out of line she of course didn't have to answer.  She laughed at me and told me that she used to speak at adoption conferences and such.  We chatted for a good 15 minutes. She adopted through the ministry as well, but she adopted infants.  They adopted their son after waiting 3.5 years, and their daughter 5 years after that.  It's amazing the people God places in our life. She recommended a book "Why Was I Adopted?" (http://books.google.ca/books/about/Why_was_I_Adopted.html?id=KbFRdyvdlb8C&redir_esc=y) I had actually seen that book at another used book store earlier that day, but passed it over, because it was mostly about infant adoption.  I felt that it may actually make older adopted children bitter because of some of the themes.
I had walked to the book store from my friends house - the book store was at the bottom of a long long hill - so I had some time to think coming up the hill.  I really don't think I will find a children's book that will address the situation that the children we adopt will be coming from.  So I actually decided that when the time comes I will write them their story.  I will write it, and illustrate it, and bind it, if it will help them to understand better where they came from, and how they ended it up in our life.
I found a couple books about FASD in Value Village (have I mentioned that I LOVE Value Village for books?).  I really had no knowledge of FAS or FASD.  I devoured one entire book on the plane "Living with FASD a guide for parents" by Sara Graefe.  I feel like I have a basic understanding, but would need a LOT more information before being able to definitively agree to take on a child with FAS. We weren't able to take the AFABC webinar on substance exposed children because of my trip.  I'm hoping they run it again in the fall. (I wish that our friends would have taken the webinar actually, as their nephew was substance exposed in utero - I message my friend when I found out about the course but she never seemed interested.)
Well I've rambled on enough for tonight.  I'm sure I'll be back with more words of miscellany soon.

June 9 2013

We took a webinar through the AFABC on attachment this month.  In the last session one of our questions was not answered because we were out of time, so the presenters agreed to answer some individual questions by email.  Andrea Chatwin of Achildsong.ca was the presenter. Here is our question and her response (Edited some of her response because she referred to personal experience, and I didn't feel it was my place to post about it on the interweb):

Hi Andrea,   We were in the attachment webinar through AFABC last night, and our question did not get answered because we ran out of time. The education coordinator said that you would be willing to answer the individual questions if we emailed you directly.  Our question was: How would you recommend facilitating attachment between birth and adoptive children in a family? Our social worker has also requested that we research birth order (our biological son is 2, and we're looking to adopt an older sibling group), but have been unable to find many resources on the subject.  Is there any information you would be able to direct us to on the subject matter? Thank you so much for your time!! ESal and Cal --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello ESal and Cal,   Thank you for taking the time to follow-up with me about your question. I saw it on the board during the webinar but time was so short. You are right that there are not too many resources about sibling attachment. I think that the most significant issues related to siblings in adoptive families is for everyone to be clear about roles. Depending on your adopted child's experiences prior to placement they will need to be taught various things about what is expected of children and what is expected of parents or other adults. Your adopted children might find your relationship with your birth child to be threatening in some way. They may find that they are triggered by things you do/say with your birth child depending on what their experience at age two was.   This leads to your second question about birth order. What is more significant than chronological birth order is the birth order is the 'family age' of children. So, essentially if you adopt children older than two, in terms of family age your biological child will be the 'oldest.' Does that make sense? He has had the most opportunity to develop trust and to experience you repeatedly respond according to the 'attachment cycle' I discussed in class. Let's say you adopt two children age 8 and 10. Those two children essentially become infants in family age. They will need even more immediate responding and close nurturance and supervision than your two year old will. That can be tricky. It will be important when you have a match to pay close attention to their early history and what their first few years were like.   I hope that helps a little. You asked two very big questions. Each situation is unique and will require careful consideration and planning to meet each child's individual needs. If you are concerned about a match or would like to discuss this further when your children are being placed I am available to provide individual consultation sessions either in person or via Skype.   Best wishes on the next phase of your adoption journey :)   Sincerely,   Andrea Chatwin, MA, CCC A Child's Song Consultant, Educator and Therapist

June 7 2013

I finally figured out how to research adopting out of birth order.  There really isn't much literature on it (No books specifically on the topic, no major articles written on it, etc.), but I finally decided that blended families are similar to adoptive families - often the birth order gets re-arranged when two families come together.  I've found a lot more information using this line of research - mostly it is information about how to blend families well and handle difficulties which can/will arise.  This is pretty much the perfect information for us, because we still believe that a sibling group older than our two year old will be the best fit for our family.  Our son will loose his "oldest sibling" status, but he's an only child, so he'll (probably) keep his "youngest sibling" status too.  The youngest child in the sibling group we adopt will likely loose their "youngest sibling" status to Elliott.

We took another webinar last night - the third part of a three part series on Attachment.  The first two parts were mostly just explaining what attachment is (Which we've researched a lot, so it wasn't much new information)  but the session last night was the "tool kit" which gave ideas of how to facilitate the child's attachment.  They discussed discipline a bit as well - mostly to describe a "Time In" instead of a time out.  Not sure I fully agree with the "Time In" method - which is basically just giving in and giving your child the attention they're calling for by acting out.  I believe adopted children require different methods of discipline (with the trauma and abuse that the children may have suffered, physical discipline, and raising ones voice could potentially harm the child emotionally) but I haven't determined what that discipline will look like in our household yet.

We have set up a visit with a couple we know who have adopted  a little girl from the ministry.  They've had the sweetheart since she was 5 days old, and now the papers have finally been finalized and she's almost 2.  They're welcome to let us see her life book and MCFD file and everything.  Our visit is in just over a week and I'm super excited about it. 

A slide that they showed during the webinar last night had a quote from  Austin O'Malley from 1915 that I really liked: "When you are dealing with a child, keep all your wits about you, and sit on the floor"

I just received an email from the education coordinator at the AFABC letting me know the next AEP (Adoption Education Program) dates! YAY!!!!
"Thanks for your email and inquiry.  We’re currently in the process of getting our webpage updated with the new AEP online information, but I can tell you the dates we have for fall starts.  We will have 3 sessions starting in the fall, each with 2 cohorts of 12 participants.  The start dates are September 5, October 3 & November 7"

June 3 2013

God is amazing.  It feels like every time I get a little discouraged He places some great adoption connection in my path.  Today it was in the form of my friend Rachelle inviting me to go see a guest speaker on adoption at a local church.  I went and connected with several local families (a friend from elementary school & her husband that I've been thinking about tons this week even) and heard the story of a woman who was adopted as an infant.  It was a nice low key evening.  I loved having Rachelle along, especially because she asked all the questions that I was thinking, but was too shy to ask.  They had books and literature that they were giving away free, I took several pamphlets and a couple books.  I got to talking to a lady after and we were discussing the type of adoption we were planning, I mentioned that we were looking at a large sibling group, and it turns out we've both fallen in love with the same sibling group of four.  Small world.  The lady and her husband are just starting their homestudy.
There were a three couples there, as well as four women that came without their husbands (me included).  They're trying to make this meeting a regular thing, and I put Cal and I on the contact list.  Looking forward to their next gathering, which I plan on making Cal come along to. :) I know he would have liked to have come, but had prior engagements tonight.