Sept. 26 2013 Update on the process

We talked to our social worker about trying to begin the homestudy interviews while working on the AEP. She continues to feel that we are not a priority, as in her opinion we are "on track" and our process is progressing "normally".  She asked us reasons why we feel we would like the process to go faster than "normal" and we provided a few reasons, one of which being that it will be easier on the family to disrupt the birth order when our biological son is still quite young, as well as the children we are looking into a adopting are sibling groups and typically they bounce around quite frequently (thus gaining all sorts of issues, one of the main being attachment issues).  She told us flat out that we should "Stop worrying about the children in care, because they in a safe place being taken care of."  Being in ministry care doesn't mean that they are feeling the love of a forever family, or that they feel secure, or even truly that they are safe.  http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/multiple-transitions-a-young-childs-point-of-view-on-foster-care-and-adoption-by-michael-trout.html this is a script from the video that they had us watch in the government mandated education program.  IT even says that children in care can be hurt, and that they're confused and don't feel control.  How dare she tell us not to think of the children in care.  She even told us to "concentrate on ourselves" If any prospective adopting parent took either of these pieces of advice they shouldn't be allowed to adopt.  She believes in a system that I see is flawed, so therefore we do not see eye to eye.  For these reasons we have decided to explore an option we were never told about. There is ONE adoption agency in BC that can provide a "SAFE" homestudy (The homestudy required to adopt from MCFD).  CHOICES Adoption and Counselling Services  http://www.choicesadoption.ca/adoption/waitingchildren.php is this agency.  We are currently waiting for a phone call to be returned in regards to whether we would be considered for an exception to their "Birth Order" rule, because we will not be seeking placement through their agency.  I thought I'd post this information here for research sake as well!

Birth Order Resources

http://www.oneworldadoptions.org/blog/do-not-adopt-out-of-birth-order-the-rule-everyone-warns-you-not-to-break/

http://www.creatingafamily.org/adoption-resources/adopting-out-of-birth-order.html
http://www.creatingafamily.org/adoption-resources/Top-Ten-Rules-for-Successfully-Adopting-out-of-Birth-Order.html

http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=814

http://www.nightlight.org/2012/10/adopting-out-of-the-birth-order/

http://eggplantissues.blogspot.ca/2012/01/birth-order-excuse.html

http://thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.ca/2007/08/adopting-older-child-adopting-out-of.html

http://www.bcadoption.com/articles.asp?pageid=38&AK=ShowAll&HC=1&AD=341

http://voices.yahoo.com/birth-order-blended-family-dynamics-guide-understanding-476288.html?cat=25

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/nov/8/remarriage-blending-families-alters-birth-orders/

http://www.parents.com/baby/development/social/birth-order-and-personality/

http://www.wvu.edu/~exten/infores/pubs/fypubs/WL_237%20Birth%20Order%20Leader.pdf

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/popups/media_player.aspx?MediaId={55489537-0A8D-47F2-B788-0939AC9E9836}&FAMILYTYPE=null&Tab=Shows&subcategory=FocusontheFamilyDailyExtras

http://raisingdevils.com/tag/adopting-out-of-birth-order/

http://everlastingmomentum.blogspot.ca/2011/10/adopting-out-of-birth-order.html

Sept 15 2013

I mentioned awhile back that we're all signed up for a conference in another city "Together for Adoption Canada 2013" put on by Focus on the Family.  The website regarding this is at http://waitingtobelong.ca/node/3208.  We just got a survey this week asking us to register for the breakout sessions of our choice.  Cal and I basically chose the same ones, with only one exception.  The sessions I chose are:
103 | Grief and loss in the adoption journey
Presenter: Randy Burtis
This workshop will explore some of the losses incurred in the adoption journey by all three members of the adoption triad: adoptee, birth parent(s) and adoptive parent(s). Attention will be given to ways to validate, work through and resolve these losses through healthy grieving.

205 | Launching an adoption ministry in your church

Presenters: Kristjen and Tamara Hull
Would you love to see a ministry in your church to care for the orphan and support adoptive and foster families? Come learn practical steps in this informative session, from approaching your church board to exploring the creative possibilities for your church ministry. We'll share resource ideas and help you get started.

 

302 | Recognizing and disarming our children’s fear responses

Presenters: Brian and Colleen Derksen
In this workshop, we will discuss the impact of fear in our children’s lives and how to recognize when your child may be experiencing fear. We will also discuss effective strategies for disarming fear and building a sense of safety and trust.

 

and

 

Trust-based parenting for everyday living

Presented by Debra Delulio Jones M.Ed. and her husband, Alan, this half-day workshop for parents will include practical application strategies and audience participation that brings laughter, learning and some “light bulb” moments. Learn the risk factors and the basics of Trust-Based Relational Intervention^® developed by researchers at TCU Institute of Child Development. Overcome what feels counter-intuitive as you parent a child from a background of early harm or neglect.

Instead of the starting a ministry in your church one Cal chose:

203 | Meltdown

Presenter: Debra Delulio Jones
Are your child’s behaviours causing stress for the whole family? Does traditional discipline fall short in correcting the behaviour or even make it worse? Learn how Debra and her husband, Alan, helped their internationally adopted son trade his maladaptive behavioural strategies for appropriate responses and come to great levels of healing and stability using the Trust-Based Relational Intervention model.

 

I'm very much looking forward to it.

 

On another note, the second module of our AEP Online course started Thursday. We had finished everything possible by Friday evening.  We're frustrated that we have to wait for these modules to open instead of being able to go at our own speed through the information.  Other people in the course don't seem to have the same keenness to get through it. 

Question

Am I the only person on earth that is disturbed by the fact that the word adoption is used synonymously as a word for taking in a child or a PET? 

When looking for information on-line about adoption one is bombarded with information about taking ownership of an animal.  This is so frustrating, because in my eyes it is NOT the same at all.  If children and pets were equal you could sell both of them on craigslist.  I'm not saying we should be allowed to sell kids on-line - I'm very very anti this, I am just saying that animals and children are very different and should be treated as such.  This article http://investigations.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/09/09/20389259-inside-americas-underground-network-for-adopted-children made me ANGRY.  If an adoptive family is having issues they should seek support.  If support is hard to come by the should search for it, fight for it, or help it to be created. 

Rant over.

Letter regarding the MCFD

A local adoptive family approached us and asked us to do a blurb about the wait time it has taken to get into the AEP program for our adoption. They decided to draft a letter to be sent to some government representatives to try to have the system reviewed and bring attention to wait times for adoptions within Canada.  I've attached a copy of the letter here, as an example for others who are experiencing similar wait times and need/want to try to help make a change occur. 

To:       Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond, BC’s Representative for Children and Youth

            [Name omitted], BC Liberal MLA

            [Name omitted], MP 

 

Re: Concern over adoption wait times for adoptions within Canada

Did you know that there are more than 30,000 children waiting for adoption in Canada (www.canadaswaitingkids.ca)? These children reside in foster care through the Ministry for Children and Family Development (MCFD) until they can be matched up with a prospective adoptive family. Various studies prove what I think most of us know: children need the stability of a forever home through adoption.

Did you know that presently there are significant road blocks and administrative red tape that prevent prospective adoptive families from completing Canadian adoptions through MCFD in a timely manner? This means that precious children who want and deserve loving families wait even longer. Consider the following:

 

·         There is currently NO formal foster-to-adopt program in BC. Parents who foster a child available for adoption may adopt that particular child, but families willing to foster-to-adopt are not connected with children through a formal network, meaning MANY potential connections are missed. A family in a small, rural community willing to foster-to-adopt may not have any eligible children in their area, where there could be many children available in large city centres, such as the lower mainland. With no formal foster-to-adopt program, both these available families, and more sadly, these waiting children, will needlessly continue to wait when a simple connecting process could end this.

·         Prospective adoptive parents in this area have waited extraordinary amounts of time to take the government-required pre-adoptive training programs. In some cases, home studies aren’t done until this training is completed, meaning prospective adoptive families and waiting children wind up waiting almost a year to get the administrative portions of the process taken care of. Case in point:

“Our journey to adopt through the Ministry of Children and Family Development (MCFD) began in March of 2013.  So far we are finding the process to be slow moving and frustrating.  Our main concern so far has been the time we had to wait prior to being able to enrol and begin the required Adoption Education Program (AEP).  Between March and September there was no course available, in spite of us being willing to travel, or take it by correspondence.  The options available are not sufficient for people who are adoption-ready.  We were told at one point that few adoptions proceed during the summer – and that was very concerning to us as well.  Children don’t stop needing forever homes, and parents don’t stop wanting children, just because the weather is nice out.  We have not felt that the MCFD has made finding forever families for these children a priority.” – E and Cal, [town name removed] BC (Sept. 2013)

·         Families who have adopted and would like to adopt again are restricted by the MCFD “one year policy” – families are supposed to wait one year between adoptions. Recognizing this may be valuable in many cases, there are other cases where families are adopting foster children that may have lived with them for years. It does not make sense to make these families go through another waiting period; the child is not new to the home, and there is no adjustment period like there would be in an adoption where a child is newly placed. For families in these situations, it is frustrating that it is hard to even get home studies and other administrative necessities updated by MCFD during the waiting period. This waiting period could be used fruitfully by getting paperwork out of the way, and possibly even meeting with a child the family would like to adopt; when the one year period is over, the adoption placement could be done in a timely manner instead of adding increased delays.

With all of these points combined, I am deeply concerned with the issues people are having in adopting within Canada. These waiting children are precious, and deserve better. They deserve to be connected with the families that are trying hard to battle the administrative delays, so they too can enjoy stability, and a permanent home.

Please join with me in advocating for these children, who cannot change the process themselves, and yet are most affected by it – every day, until they are adopted.

Sincerely,

 

Name:

Address:
Phone Number:
E-mail:

AEP Online - Module 1 And Me

So I've posted all my assignments and journals to this blog, (I checked to make sure I wasn't violating the confidentiality agreement by doing this, and the wording basically says as long as I don't mention anyone else or actual conversations had then I'm doing not breaking the agreement).  I hope that these posts can be helpful to other prospective adoptive parents (They call us PAP's.  Seriously they do.  How inappropriate is that?!).  I'll keep posting until either there is too much personal information in them, or it actually would be violating the agreement I signed. 

But what do I think of the course so far? The online environment is confusing and poorly laid out.  It really does distract from the content, and all the content so far would easily be found doing a simple Google search.  Seriously I already had some of the slides they presented to us as documents saved on my computer from months ago.  Maybe other people haven't been waiting since March to do this course and had less time to research themselves.  Am I too keen?  I don't believe so.

Self Care Plan

Make a plan in your journal for self-care before the next module. Be prepared to report back on the results of this exercise to the larger group.

My journal entry:

I love taking walks, but rarely take the time to go for them, in spite of our two year old son enjoying them as well.  I will strive to spend at least 45 minutes twice a week going for walks with our son, as a family, or on my own.
The way I choose to de-stress after a particularly busy day (due to work, or housekeeping, or parenting….or all three) is by taking an hour in the evening and going to Wal-Mart or Dollarama to randomly wander the aisles by myself.
Cal and I love spending time with each other. I work part time two days a week. On the Mondays when I am working, and our son is being watched by family or friends, Cal and I try to have a child free lunch together.  It is lovely to spend some quality time together.

Key Learning

Assignment: Please start by creating a discussion posting of at least 100 words about your most significant learning(s) to date.

My post:

The most significant learning to date in this module was getting used to the online learning environment.  The system resembled a bit of a spider web to me and I found it to be a bit distracting from the course content.  Much of the content discussed in this module was quite basic information about adoption, or were things that we had already considered or researched ourselves.  I enjoyed reading other people’s perspectives on the information presented. Drafting my own responses also gave me the opportunity to think more in depth about the information about birth parents, foster parents and adoption loss offered in this module.

Journal: Building Compassion for Birth Parents

 

This journal entry was in response to a video about foster care and adoption that we were required to watch:

After viewing the video “Pride – Making a Difference” these are my beliefs:
Vernon’s mother was out-of-control, helpless, and sad. She was unable to be the mother that Vernon needed and in her emotional and physical turmoil neglected and allowed abuse to occur.  This isn’t acceptable behaviour for parents.  I felt sad for them both, but the termination of her parental rights makes sense.
Vernon’s father had a new family, and knew that he would be unable to raise Vernon, so voluntarily gave up his rights – he appeared nervous that openness would be denied.  I do not understand his decision to give up parental rights for this seemingly selfish reason, but it makes me glad he wanted to retain contact with Vernon.
Nathan’s father displayed guilt and relief. His inability to take care of Nathan after a tragic loss is reasonable and his choice to return years later to recommit to his son was brave and commendable.
Both children showed similar feelings toward their parents; they loved them in spite of neglect, self-control issues, and selfishness.
Openness may be hard, but children need to know where they come from.  If it will help our children to feel whole, secure, and loved, it will be well worth it.  Our future children wouldn’t exist without birth parents – if they have no other redeeming qualities that would be enough.

AEP Discussion Group Pride - Making a difference

We were asked to watch a video then comment on 2 of the following 4 questions:

 

Based on what you’ve learned so far, pick two of the following questions and post your responses by clicking the "reply" link within this message.

1. Identify some of the common experiences of CIC prior to their removal and placement in foster care and why this is important for you to know.
2. What are some of the factors contributing to a birth parent’s inability to meet the needs of their children?  Having learned about some of the CIC's experiences prior to removal/placement in care, how do you feel about their birth parents?
3. What are the impacts of the child’s previous life experiences on the child?
4. What are some of the similarities and differences between families formed biologically and families formed through adoption?
   
   Below is my response!

 

1. CIC prior to removal and placement in foster care are sometimes mature beyond their years, because they were responsible for taking care of themselves, and often their parents or other siblings. This is important to know, so that we can prepare to teach children that we adopt that we are their parents, and they are our children.  The also may have been abused physically or sexually which can lead to many different outcomes in the childrens’ personalities and choices.  It is important to know that children may have had these experiences because adoptive parents need to be sure they are ready to assume the commitment to helping them through past hurts, as well as be ready to deal with possible violence, and to teach personal boundaries.  Prior to placement in foster care the children may have experienced neglect (food, shelter, love) this could lead to stealing, hording of food, lying, and acting out in other ways.  Children’s prior experiences have direct bearing on the way they live their lives today, and we as adoptive parents will need to know how to react when potential problems arise. 
4. Some of the similarities of families formed biologically and families formed through adoption would include things like the family structure (Parent/Parents & Child/Children) and that each family structure can be unique (Same sex parents, single parents, etc).  To me the main characteristic of any type of family is a love and commitment to each other.
Some of the differences of families formed biologically and families formed through adoption could include things like having an openness agreement with birth family members of adopted children, not knowing full medical histories of adopted children & adopted children’s birth family,as well as possibly not experiencing the adopted child’s younger years with
them (as in an older child adoption), and therefore not being aware of some
underlying issues that may cause problems to arise.  In an adoptive family the parents and children do not share genetics. When answering this question I stumbled across this website/document which I thought had a few good bits of information on what makes a family: http://www.lianalowenstein.com/article.goldman.pdf

AEP Discussion: Building our Community

YAY for the AEP online reopening! The information we've previously completed when the course accidently opened is still there, so we are able to continue on with the following assignments :)

The second Discussion/Assignment was to answer the following questions in regards to building our community:
1.Have you ever been part of an online class before? What was that like for you?
2.If this is your first time learning online, how are you feeling about it?
3.What is your top learning need?
4.What would you like from this group?
5.What are you bringing to this group?
6.Are there any items missing for you?
7.What is the most important thing for you?

My response was:
1.I have taken part in an online class once before.  I prefer a classroom setting, but online learning is convenient.
2.N/A
3.My top learning need for this course is to fill in any gaps in the knowledge that my personal research has not yet covered.  I’m looking forward to getting new resource material and points of view from the other students in the course.
4.I would like this group to be accepting of all points of view, and to be courteous and respectful.
5.I am bringing to this group an open mind, love of learning and a listening ear.
6.I cannot think of any items missing for me.
7.The most important thing for me is to gain as much knowledge as possible that will help children that are matched with us transition into our home and to help them become part of our family.  Finding resources that will help us to keep learning after the course is complete is also important.

September 3rd 2013

So like I said in my last post, they opened up the AEP online early.  Cal and I were able to do our opening "Getting to know you" posts. This is mine:

My name is E.  I live in a city in Northern BC, with my husband, Cal.  We have been married 9 years.  Cal and I were both raised here, and the majority of our family still lives here too.   

We dealt with infertility, but with medical intervention we were able to have and our son who was born in May of 2011.  We had difficulty having another child, and decided to instead adopt from the MCFD.  I know several people who have adopted, or are adopted, and I’ve always considered adoption as an option to grow my family. 

We would love for our son to have siblings, and we have lots of love to give, so we are looking to adopt a sibling group of up to four children.  We don’t have a preference of gender, and have not decided on an “oldest” age yet. 

I really love reading; one of my all-time favourite books is “Little Men” the sequel to “Little Women” by Louisa May Alcott, and the last book I read was “Instant Mom” by Nia Vardalos.  I'm a researcher, so I have already accumulated a fairly extensive "library" on adoption.

The next day we got this email:
Hi E,

Welcome to the AEP-Online. I am the manager of the education
department and one of your technical supports. Your cohort was made live in
error and I noticed you have posted your welcome. That is ok. However, I have
now closed the course and it will be reopened on September 5th. Great to have
you on board!
Have a wonderful weekend.

We weren't the only ones gunghoe to start, as there were 5 posts all together before the course was closed again.

The adoption support group at a local church is starting up again this month.  Meetings are supposed to be the third Monday each month.  Something else they're planning is a letter to the local MP, and the Minister of Children and Family Development.  I've been asked to draft a paragraph on the stumbling blocks and delays that we've hit so far in our adoption journey.  I'm still trying to figure out how to do it without discussing any specific people.  I'm sure when I get it done I'll post here :)