May 28 2013

This week has been harder for me than I had expected.  When we lost our baby at 8 weeks pregnant in October and we were pretty devastated.  We got through the pregnancy milestones (Ultra sound, 12 weeks, Christmas, etc. etc.) with some tears and sadness.  We grieved. We made the decision to adopt, and life actually got a bit easier.  We didn't forget our little lost baby, but we were beginning to plan for the future again, and used some of the tough emotions to fuel us.  I've blogged about how the jealousy and envy of other pregnancies dissipated.  We've been in a healthy place for quite some time now. 

Then the week of my due date showed up.  All of a sudden I'm a bit of a wreck.  I held a two month old baby last night, and couldn't help but think that if our pregnancy hadn't ended it was very possible that I could have been holding my very own baby by now. 

I'm very happy for these friends of ours that have the two month old - they're taking custody of him because he is their nephew and he was taken by the ministry.  They have a three year old as well, and since having him they've always said they aren't having any more children.  I'm so proud of them for taking on such a difficult task.  And now, last night, as I'm snuggling this tiny baby in my arms, they tell us they're 6 weeks pregnant as well.  They're happy and I'm happy for them.  But while snuggling that tiny baby, and watching Caleb snuggle that tiny baby, and watching our 2 year old ask to kiss that tiny baby, some of the old jealousy reared it's ugly head. 

I need to really remember that God uses different situations to teach, guide and mould different people.  Having two babies 10 months apart may be a situation that will really help them grow, while loosing our baby and going through the process of adoption is doing the same for us.

I really do believe that it's just timing that is doing this to me.  Apparently my heart has decided to grieve some more, and it really shouldn't be so shocking to me.  Until now I really did think that I was over the thoughts and feelings that go with the decision to never have another newborn.  I do think that it's all just sentimentality that will pass along with time once our due date has come and gone.  Time heals all wounds I've been told.  And feeling the loss of our baby doesn't make me feel any differently about continuing on with our journey to adopt.  To the best of my knowledge we've finished all the steps that we can now, until we take the AEP (Adoption Education Program). If I had something more to concentrate on towards our new dreams, then maybe this wouldn't be such a hard week.