May 31 2013

We attended part 2 of an Attachment Webinar through the AFABC last night.  The webinars are a bit hard to concentrate on because we've done so much research already.  They are mostly very basic information, but have some pearls of wisdom here and there as well.  I think that, even though we don't feel like we are getting much out of them, we will keep taking them.  I've read on other miscellaneous blogs that part of the homestudy is showing that you've been doing your research so you aren't going into the process blind.  We'll be able to provide quite a list of books/courses/websites/interviews that we've read/attended/sought out, by the time we get to the homestudy process. I'm pretty sure our social worker is sick of us, but she can deal with it and help us through the process, or she can find us a new worker - Either way is fine by me!
We have three more months until they offer another AEP course.  We are not guaranteed a spot in the course either - there are no dates announced, and there is very little information on the internet about what to expect. 

Another thing on my mind lately - I want to tell everyone on earth that we're looking to adopt.  I want to do this, so that I can connect with other people that have gone through (or even just started) the adoption process.  I want to talk to people who know/understand what we're going through.  Plus it's pretty much the main thing on my mind, so I really just want to be able to talk about it when my mind goes there during a regular conversation.  I'm not really good with the internal filter, and having to watch the topic of conversation so closely is difficult.  I've had some particularly difficult conversations that touch the very topic of adoption lately (with our friends who are taking custody of their nephew through the ministry, and with my aunt who was a reference for a friend who was adopting).  It's hard not to give away to much information about the process.  Those who aren't looking to adopt don't usually know about what is involved, so I have to pretend to be less informed.  Caleb really isn't ready to go public with the news yet, so I'm being patient (impatiently ;). 

I had an appointment with a gynecologist yesterday.  It was a referral from back in October when we lost our baby that we decided to keep, so that we could ask some questions, and make sure things are healthy before we completely walk away from that route.  The doctor was quite good.  He was very professional.  He explained some things about PCOS (poly cystic ovaries syndrome...my diagnosis) that my previous doctor had never mentioned.  It was nice to have a bit more information, so that I can try to be more healthy - If we do end up with 5 kids (yup, we're leaning toward a sibling group of 4) I want to be as healthy as possible, so they don't suffer more losses that could have been prevented.  Something that we asked about was if a total hysterectomy would be an alternative solution to the PCOS problems in the future.  The doctor replied with shock that I was only 28, and why on earth would I even consider that?  When we told him we were considering a sibling group of 4 (besides our birth son who was with us) we received our first critical looks.  It was a bit entertaining actually.  Some of the information he gave us that I wasn't actually aware of before though was that ladies with PCOS are at higher risk of miscarriage - this makes me even more wary of ever trying a pregnancy again, I really don't know if that is something I could handle emotionally ever again.  Another thing we discussed is what the lack of progesterone in my body actually does - basically the lining that builds in the uterus is supposed to go away once a month (duh, a period), and that progesterone is the thing that causes this. My body doesn't produce progesterone at the right levels, so the lining just builds and builds and builds.  This build up over time can actually lead to uterine cancer.  If the Doc was trying to convince me NOT to get a hysterectomy one day, this was not the information he should have provided (haha).  As crazy as I feel using her as an example, Angelina Jolie did something similar to a hysterectomy to prevent the possibility of cancer, her double mastectomy is no different in my opinion, and I absolutely applaud her decision.  With the number of children that rely on her, how could she choose any different?

Anyway, there is my rambling thoughts for the day. 

May 28 2013

This week has been harder for me than I had expected.  When we lost our baby at 8 weeks pregnant in October and we were pretty devastated.  We got through the pregnancy milestones (Ultra sound, 12 weeks, Christmas, etc. etc.) with some tears and sadness.  We grieved. We made the decision to adopt, and life actually got a bit easier.  We didn't forget our little lost baby, but we were beginning to plan for the future again, and used some of the tough emotions to fuel us.  I've blogged about how the jealousy and envy of other pregnancies dissipated.  We've been in a healthy place for quite some time now. 

Then the week of my due date showed up.  All of a sudden I'm a bit of a wreck.  I held a two month old baby last night, and couldn't help but think that if our pregnancy hadn't ended it was very possible that I could have been holding my very own baby by now. 

I'm very happy for these friends of ours that have the two month old - they're taking custody of him because he is their nephew and he was taken by the ministry.  They have a three year old as well, and since having him they've always said they aren't having any more children.  I'm so proud of them for taking on such a difficult task.  And now, last night, as I'm snuggling this tiny baby in my arms, they tell us they're 6 weeks pregnant as well.  They're happy and I'm happy for them.  But while snuggling that tiny baby, and watching Caleb snuggle that tiny baby, and watching our 2 year old ask to kiss that tiny baby, some of the old jealousy reared it's ugly head. 

I need to really remember that God uses different situations to teach, guide and mould different people.  Having two babies 10 months apart may be a situation that will really help them grow, while loosing our baby and going through the process of adoption is doing the same for us.

I really do believe that it's just timing that is doing this to me.  Apparently my heart has decided to grieve some more, and it really shouldn't be so shocking to me.  Until now I really did think that I was over the thoughts and feelings that go with the decision to never have another newborn.  I do think that it's all just sentimentality that will pass along with time once our due date has come and gone.  Time heals all wounds I've been told.  And feeling the loss of our baby doesn't make me feel any differently about continuing on with our journey to adopt.  To the best of my knowledge we've finished all the steps that we can now, until we take the AEP (Adoption Education Program). If I had something more to concentrate on towards our new dreams, then maybe this wouldn't be such a hard week. 

May 23 2013

My family doctor returned from his month and half holiday to Ireland last week, and we finally got in to see him.  He filled in our questionnaires, we chatted a bit, and then when we asked him how much the charge was for the questionnaires, he placed his finger over his mouth as if to shush us and said "No charge."  What a blessing!  We expected a $80 fee for each questionnaire (One of the only fees involved with a ministry adoption) and were pleasantly surprised no to have to pay a cent.  That money will now be able to go towards more webinars and research in the adoption process!  I'm so impressed with my doctor (a man that has always talked about resources and not wasting them) that I may not change doctors like I've been considering!  He also was willing to fill out Cal's form, in spite of not actually being Cal's doctor (His doctor left town about 3 years ago). 
We dropped the forms off at the social worker's office.  She will be back from holidays on Tuesday.

What a lovely day it has been.

May 21 2013

Another really great link about birth order:
http://www.creatingafamily.org/adoption-resources/Top-Ten-Rules-for-Successfully-Adopting-out-of-Birth-Order.html
The website www.creatingafamily.org seems like a great resource in general actually.  Lots of links and radio shows.  Pretty awesome information.

Cal and I have been thinking about doing some hands on research, in the form of looking after some "older" children a couple of times a week.  We know an eleven year old boy who could really benefit from having some time with our family, and we could really use "experience" with older children, so that the social worker doesn't say we're crazy when we tell her we're willing to adopt up to 13 year olds.  There's another 9 year old grandson of a friend of the family that we could also likely take on a couple times a week as well.  Maybe at the same time even - I wonder how well that would work? We're thinking of approaching their families and setting it up so that I pick them up from school a couple times a week, and we can drop them off in the evening after dinner. 

Had a great talk with my friend Rachelle tonight.  It's nice to have some sane people around to talk with now and then.  She's great, she lets me talk on and on about the adoption research I've been doing, and she is very uplifting and positive.  It is great to have a good (though currently small) support group.  We've only told our references about our plan to adopt so far, so I spend most of my time putting everything into the blog.  Rachelle and Rhoda are likely getting sick of me, because it's basically all I'm talking about with them right now.   The poor gals are my outlet, and I appreciate their support very very very much.

May 18 2013

Just a bit more research I've been doing.  Every time I get frustrated with the system I dive further into research to keep myself busy.  If I have to wait I'm going to put the waiting period to good use, so that I'm well prepared when the time comes.
http://www.theadoptionguide.com/files/Homestudy.pdf This website has a list of possible questions for the homestudy.  It's the most comprehensive information I've found so far about what they'll want to know.  I answered all the questions and have come up with a 7 page word document so far.  I'll keep updating it as we go along as well.
http://www.canadaadopts.com/adoptiveparents/homestudy.shtml a bit more info here as well.  The plus side to this site is that it actually refers to the Canadian system.
http://www.babycenter.com/0_preparing-for-a-homestudy_1342127.bc?page=1 This one also has good information, but is an American website.

Adoption Bulletin BC

Cal and I became firmly decided in adopting a waiting child after reading all the adoption profiles on the government website http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/bulletin_external/profiles.htm.  When I found them I read (and printed) every single one.  Mostly with tears in my eyes.  I just want to take them ALL home and love them.  Cal and I went through and selected the ones that we really could see ourselves parenting - we were a bit surprised by some of our choices actually, but I thought I'd list them here :)

http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/bulletin_external/cris_caden.htm
We really see Cris and Caden fitting in with our family. Two little boys who love Toy Story, sports, and structured play...they sound so loveable.  The trouble focussing doesn't scare us at all either.  For one thing - what little boy doesn't have trouble focussing? and for another - ADHD (IF that is the issue) is very treatable/manageable these days.

http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/bulletin_external/jenny_desiree.htm
My heart breaks for these two sisters, Jenny and Desiree, they've obviously had a tough past, and I can't help comparing their lives to that of my nieces.  We would love to be able to help these two sweethearts to heal.  The aggression towards other children could be a stumbling block though.

http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/bulletin_external/nadia.htm
Little Nadia actually was the most surprising selection to us, but also looks like a very good fit for our family.  It was such a surprise because we had never intended to adopt anyone over 9, and we were looking more specifically at sibling groups.  Reading Nadia's bio helped us to re-evaluate and think about what was really important - age? Or the way the child fit into our family, and what we could do for the child?  Nadia is sporty (like Cal), loves to travel (Like us), would do well with siblings, and with pets.

http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/bulletin_external/jeremy_desmond_neil_leah.htm
This sibling group of four, Jeremy, Desmond, Neil, and Leah, has Cal and I swaying back and forth.  Having four children come to us in one fell swoop - is that realistic?  Can we handle it?  Then I read the bio's and I just want to bring them home and give them a family where they can all be together.  Jeremy sounds like a hardworking little boy that deserves to relax. Desmond needs help with gross motor skills, and sounds like he may have some attitude - I just want to bring him home, hand him craft supplies and tell him to create anything he'd like - with no template to follow, or outcome expectations.  Neil sounds so outdoorsy - Our back yard, and the park down the street would help enourmously in keeping him busy.  Leah is our sons age - and while I have begun to read about the pro's and con's of "virtual twinning" I still believe that God can get you through all things.

There was a new child put on lately as well - a baby called Adam http://www.mcf.gov.bc.ca/adoption/bulletin_external/adam.htm
I am drawn to him, but Cal really believes we should adopt older children - as the younger ones really are more apt to find homes more quickly.  I appreciate his opinion, and agree with him for the most part as well.

May 16 2013

Had a WONDERFUL talk with Sarina, the adoption coordinator from another region yesterday.  She shared her story of her own family with me, as well as a lot of information about the adoption process in general.  We talked for over an hour and half, and I came away feeling energized, understood, and uplifted.

I've talked to our Social Worker a few times now, and every time I mention the research we're doing she mentions that we should really find someone to talk to about adopting outside the birth order (Because our son is only 2 it is very likely that he will no longer be the oldest after we adopt).  I finally went looking for some information this morning and found this article/blog post http://eggplantissues.blogspot.ca/2012/01/birth-order-excuse.html It totally explains a concept that pops into my head every time the SW talks about birth order - WHAT ABOUT THE ADOPTED CHILDS BIRTH ORDER?! Sure, my child may loose his "eldest child" position, but if we adopted a baby we'd be disrupting that baby's position.  How is it fair to only take our "biological" children into account? Why can't we just treat the children as we would any child of their physical and emotional age?

Another post that backs me up is http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=814.
I really didn't go looking for articles that backed up my opinion - these really are just the first two I've read.  I will actively look for opposing opinions, to try to understand the reasoning behind the advice to not adopt out of family birth order. So far the only information that makes any sense to me is talked about in the second article referenced above "Some social workers suggest that parents do best when they grow into parenting, that is, meeting and learning about each developmental stage as it presents itself. Thus, childless parents adopt infants, and parents of a child adopted as an infant now in kindergarten adopt a child younger than age 6. Under any circumstances, some argue, parents who have raised their child only to first-grade age shouldn’t attempt suddenly to raise a teenager."
We have already thought of this, and believe we could handle a child up to 13. We'll see what the social worker thinks when we do the homestudy I guess. 

May 14 2013

Slightly frustrated today.  The adoption coordinator sent me an email on March 26th about there being AEP self study courses over the summer.  This is exactly what it said:

Received: Tuesday, March 26, 2013, 2:20 PM Hi Erin  There is funding for the North for a few AEP Self Study Plus coarses. When [the social worker] is back [from holidays] touch bases with her and she can speak with her supervisor and have you added to the list. I think there will a couple this summer. Let me know if there is anything I can help you with!!  I was pretty excited and hopeful after that.  I spoke to the social worker after she returned from her holidays and was told again that there was no AEP over the summer (Still makes me disappointed).  Cal found a blog (http://adoptionsupportinterior.blogspot.ca/2011/04/aep-ssp-and-other-annoying-acronyms.html) that mentioned the self study courses as well, so I asked the social worker again.  Her response was to talk to the adoption coordinator again to see what she had been talking about.  I emailed the Coordinator and got this response: Hi   There is usually no coarses offered during the summer. They are in the process of making an online coarse that families can do at their own pace, but unfortunately it is just in the trial stage. I am sure your social worker will keep you posted as to the next AEP. If I hear of one I will let you know. Why would she have gotten my hopes up back in March?  I just don't get it.  Whatever.  We'll wait until September I guess.

May 10th - Correspondence with Social Worker

Our social worker called to touch base today before going on a two week holiday.  It was good to hear from her.  I told her we'd taken a course through the AFABC and she asked me if I would email her the books and courses we've taken so she can add them to our homestudy/file.  Here is the email I sent her:

Hi,

Thanks again for the phone call this afternoon.  It was great that you touched base before your holiday - much appreciated.

As discussed, here is a list of the "research" we've been doing regarding adoption:

 April 25th & May 2nd - AFABC education webinar "Transitioning a child into adoption"

We are also hoping to take the webinars May 23 & 30th and June 6th on Attachement in adoption.

 We have listened to a few radio broadcasts online - http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/familylife-today/listen/

*Family life today with Dennis Rainey - Strategies for parenting adopted children & Adopting Deborah

*Adopted for Life by Russell Moore - 3 part series

We have taken 3 books out of the AFABC Library

*Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray (I have read most of it)

*Parenting the hurt Child by Keck and Kupecky (have not started it yet)

*Making sense of Adoption by Lois Melina (Cal has read most of it)

These are due back in the middle of the month - luckily we found most of them to purchase, so we won't have to re-new them.

We were at a value village this week and I purchased 6 books

*Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray

*Nurturing Adoptions by Deborah Gray

*Parenting the Hurt Child by Keck and Kupecky

*Parenting your adopted older Child by Brenda McCreight

*Toddler Adoption by Hopkins-Best

*Twenty things adopted kids with their adoptive parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge

We also have purchased "Adopted for Life" by Russell Moore (We really liked the radio broadcast of the same title)

 I have a phone date set with |Serena (Adoption Coordinator) for May 15th to discuss her adoption story.

My friend Rachelle (one of my references) has an adopted sister through the MCFD, her parents and sister will be up in June and I will be meeting with them to talk about their adoption story too. 

I follow a blog on facebook (https://www.facebook.com/HisHandsHisFeetToday?fref=ts) about a family in the states that adopts hard to place children.  While the system is different there it is still a nice resource to hear about the day to day of having adopted kids. 

There is a blog written by a lady in BC that I was following as well, but it unfortunately has not been updated since February. http://waitingtobelong.ca/real-stories/blog

The Adoption Magazine through AFABC is great reference material as well - It really opened my eyes about why openness can be so important.

Cal is also very involved in the research - we discuss the books we are reading and the conversations we have with people who are good resources. 

I don't seem to have many resources on adopting out of birth order - do you have any suggestions? 

If you have any suggestions that you find to be great resources on any aspect of adoption we would love to hear about it.

Have a great holiday - Relax and have a lovely time!

Here is her response:

 

-->Wow, I’m impressed!  You have a lot of great resources. 

Another good site is this one: www.theadoptioncounselor.com

It’s by Brenda McCreight who lives in Nanaimo, BC.  She is an adoptive parent too.  She has a blog on her website if you’re interested. 

I haven’t come across a specific book about adopting out of birth order.  If I do, I’ll let you know. 

 

I found out more about the AEP’s that start up again in September.  Apparently, there is a new way folks will register.  They will register themselves by going onto a link on the AFABC website.  This is all brand new and I’m not sure when the link will come up on the website but once I hear more, I’ll let you know.  The registration is also first come, first serve and there is 2 cohorts of AEP’s in September, October, November, and December so definitely lots of availability.

 

Have a good weekend!

And here is my response:

 

Thank you for the webpage - Brenda is the author of the book I'm currently reading, so I'll definitely be checking it out.  I am LOVING the AFABC, so I'm glad to hear that the registration for AEP will be through their site.  I hope you know that I really appreciate the work you do.  I know case loads, and the very nature of the work you do, can be very difficult.  If there is anything I can do to help with our end of the process, let me know.  And I will try to reign in my over-zealousness.  I really am just excited about this journey we're on.   I also started my own blog to try to keep myself organized and document the process, so that I may be a resource for someone else some day.  It's very rambling, but gives me an outlet for my enthusiasm :)

 

May 10 2013

Went to a city a couple hours away yesterday.  They have a value village - Which is awesome.  I went in and bought SIX books about adoption for less than $25.  They were mostly hard cover books - I'm so excited.  Two of the six are books that I got out of the library at AFABC, which is awesome, so now I'll get to keep them for reference books in the future.  I'm hoping that next week I'll be able to run into the second hand stores in town to look for more reference materials! Wahoo!

Our social worker called today to touch base before she goes on holidays.  She let me know that unfortunately there won't be any AEP course until September.  While disappointing, it isn't really a surprise.  I know have a contact email for her, so that is spectacular.  She confirmed that all our references are in and our criminal record checks have been completed as well.

I just have to keep telling myself that the system is in place the way it is for a reason - the waiting is normal, and even necessary. 

Rachelle and I went to Wal-Mart awhile back (I can't remember if I blogged this little story or not - so if I did...sorry) and she was asking me about how long the process takes.  I told her at least a year, more likely an average of two years.  She was a bit floored by the time you have to wait.  Her shock was almost humorous to me, because we waited 14 months to get pregnant with our son, and then the standard 9 months on top of that.  Two years really isn't all that long.  I do wish we could speed the progress though.

May 5 2013

Our son turns two on Tuesday.  He has become the poster child for two year old terrors  in the last couple of weeks.  Occasionally Cal asks me something along the lines of "You still want four more?" (A discussion we've had repeatedly, as I am in love with a sibling group on the MCFD bulletin).  The funny thing is, even though the munchkin has been crazy and testing - I still want to mother more, and if those four kids are right for our family I'm sure God will make it work.  Of course there will be frustrations, and of course it is going to be HARD.  I don't expect it to be a cake walk, but I do expect it will be fulfilling and wonderful.  When I was asked in childhood what I wanted to be in life I always responded with "A Mum". This is our chance to be parents to kids who really need us - and I'm so excited to take on this challenge.

May 2nd Part two.

After Sarina emailed me I started thinking about how I wanted to talk to other people who successfully adopted children.  She emailed me so that I would have her contact information, so I hit reply and asked her if she would be willing to share her story with me about their adoption of their two children.  She responded in seconds, telling me that she would be very willing, but would prefer to do it over the phone.  I am so excited.

I also asked Rachelle if I could meet and talk to her parents when they come to visit and she was open to it as well. Did I mention I'm excited? :)

May 2 2013

Just received a call from Sarina, the adoption support coordinator for North Central.  She received our information from the AFABC and wanted to touch base.  She seems VERY helpful and will be following up with an email.  While talking we realised that we should actually be on another ladies list (the coordinator that I talked to first, who works out of a neighbouring town), but she agreed to keep me on her list as well, so that we'll be informed of information and courses for the Prince George area too.  She is an adoptive parent of two children, and took over the position of coordinator in February. 

My friend Rachelle has an adopted sister (through the MCFD) and her parents will be up in the middle of June (Her sister is coming too).  I'd really like to talk to them about their experience adopting their daughter.

Finally got an appointment to see the doctor to have our medical questionnaires filled out.  It isn't until the 23rd, but at least we're getting closer to having this step completed!

Tonight is the second part of the webinar we're taking through the AFABC on Transitioning children into adoption.  Looking forward to this portion, because I think it's supposed to be more in depth than the last part was.  Part one was about the process of adopting, and I find I've been told about the process many many times now.

We are meeting excellent and amazing people through this journey.  I'm so happy about our decision!