Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos was spectacular. I read it in three days and loved it. Nia's (Yup we're on a first name basis now...we'd totally be best friends if we met ;)) writing style is easy and comedic. The book was interesting and entertaining - she was really able to tell you about her struggles, without getting to personal, but yet you could feel the raw emotions that she had. I'm pretty impressed with the book. I often wonder when I'm telling "our story" if I am sharing to much information, or giving to many details. Nia walks the line with grace and dignity - which is pretty impressive for a movie star *grin*. I'll admit I've never actually watched anything that she has acted in (Okay, that's a lie, I just IMDB'd her and found she was in three episodes of a favourite sitcom....I don't actually have any recollection of her in it) but I know that many people know who she is. She's using her fame to push boundaries and get the word out about adoption - I totally respect and applaud that. It's amazing that she stepped outside her comfort zone to share as much as she did.
If you're lady that went/is going through infertility, and you've started considering adoption, but have some fears or competing emotions - read this book. It really may benefit you. Can you love a child that you never gave birth to? Yes, fiercely. Will an adopted child fit in your life? Yes - That's why the homestudy is so intense, so that a placement is not just a crap shoot.
I like this book. The author is real, she's open, and she's relatable.
I paid $17 for the book at Wal-Mart, and unheard of amount for a book for me - I'm a total clearance book shopper. I'm glad I bought it, I'm going to lend it to people, I'm going to read it again, and I really feel like it was worth every penny. (I still don't think I could buy it for the cover price of $29 though!)
Friday, 26 July 2013
Wednesday, 24 July 2013
Dave Thomas Foundation short video
I love that I can follow all these organizations on Facebook (and also recently pinterest). Then I'm able to watch/read/see bits and pieces that are special to me.
Some of the foundations/people I follow on facebook include:
Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption
Adoption At the Movies
His Hands His Feet Today
Focus on Adoption Magazine
Adoptive Families Association of BC
Infertility Awareness Association of Canada
Adoption Council of Canada
A Child's Song: Adoption Consultation Education and Therapeutic Services
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
July 23 2013
Just got back from a WONDERFUL relaxing visit with good friends (and references) in Manitoba. It was such a lovely visit - we miss them very very much. They have a beautiful, welcoming home, and it was so much fun to see them again!
Signed on to the BC Bulletin today (As I often do) to check on the kids we love, and to see if it has been updated. (It was recently). Our little boy sibling set Cris and Caden are no longer on the list! What an exciting thing to see. The more children that are adopted the better!
There was a new little fellow added to the bulletin that has Cal and I thinking about a single adoption as well. Here is his bulletin blurb:
Ethno-Cultural Background: Caucasian
Here’s Dylan! A lovable, sweet and affectionate little boy who loves toy cars, riding his bike, playing outside, and snuggles! Dylan is excited about his new skateboard and helmet, and can’t wait to try new tricks.
Dylan is described as a smart and eager learner who loves to read and is very inquisitive. Dylan loves to know how things work, even taking them apart to find out, and sometimes they don’t quite go back together. Although shy when he first meets people, Dylan is very social and loves playing with other children and adults.
Dylan had some prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol but is currently meeting all his developmental milestones, with no concerns identified by his foster parent or daycare provider.
At his foster home, Dylan does well with a schedule and routine, and would do well with a family who had other children and were open to the potential effects of prenatal substance exposure. Some openness with his birth family will be explored.
Are you ready to read “10 Apples on Top”, Watch the movie “Cars”, play outside, have fun and give this special boy a lot of love and affection? Come and meet Dylan, he eagerly awaits his forever family!
What a lovely sounding little fellow. I see him and our son E getting along famously in my head.
On our trip I picked up the new book "Instant Mom" by Nia Vardalos. (Wahoo Wal-Mart 40% off) I'm excited to read it. When I do I'll post about my thoughts on it here :)
Signed on to the BC Bulletin today (As I often do) to check on the kids we love, and to see if it has been updated. (It was recently). Our little boy sibling set Cris and Caden are no longer on the list! What an exciting thing to see. The more children that are adopted the better!
There was a new little fellow added to the bulletin that has Cal and I thinking about a single adoption as well. Here is his bulletin blurb:
Dylan
Birth date: 2010Ethno-Cultural Background: Caucasian
Here’s Dylan! A lovable, sweet and affectionate little boy who loves toy cars, riding his bike, playing outside, and snuggles! Dylan is excited about his new skateboard and helmet, and can’t wait to try new tricks.
Dylan is described as a smart and eager learner who loves to read and is very inquisitive. Dylan loves to know how things work, even taking them apart to find out, and sometimes they don’t quite go back together. Although shy when he first meets people, Dylan is very social and loves playing with other children and adults.
Dylan had some prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol but is currently meeting all his developmental milestones, with no concerns identified by his foster parent or daycare provider.
At his foster home, Dylan does well with a schedule and routine, and would do well with a family who had other children and were open to the potential effects of prenatal substance exposure. Some openness with his birth family will be explored.
Are you ready to read “10 Apples on Top”, Watch the movie “Cars”, play outside, have fun and give this special boy a lot of love and affection? Come and meet Dylan, he eagerly awaits his forever family!
What a lovely sounding little fellow. I see him and our son E getting along famously in my head.
On our trip I picked up the new book "Instant Mom" by Nia Vardalos. (Wahoo Wal-Mart 40% off) I'm excited to read it. When I do I'll post about my thoughts on it here :)
Friday, 12 July 2013
July 12 2013
Many books I've read, and also some people I've spoken to, have recommended "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. I do plan on tracking it down and reading it, but basically what I've sussed out, is that it is about the separation of children from their birth parents creates a wound that makes them feel less than whole. I stumbled upon a blog today, (Pinterest....my newest resource) the author is an adoptee and an adopter, and I really like what she said, so I wanted to save it somewhere. Here is my somewhere!
There are challenges that come with adoption but they don't necessarily scar us. Every adoption experience is different and valid. Adoptive parents should read, be aware, talk to others, but most importantly trust themselves and their relationship with their child. Don't assume that anyone knows more than you about your own child.
There are challenges that come with adoption but they don't necessarily scar us. Every adoption experience is different and valid. Adoptive parents should read, be aware, talk to others, but most importantly trust themselves and their relationship with their child. Don't assume that anyone knows more than you about your own child.
Most of all, no one should be surprised that a lovely adult was once an adopted child.
Thursday, 11 July 2013
July 11 2013
A metaphor by Maxine
Harris in The Loss That Is Forever:
When a tree is struck
by lightning, If it survives,
Its growth is altered.
A knot may form where the lightning hit.
The growth on one side of the tree may be more vigorous than on another side,
The shape of the tree may change.
An interesting twist or curious split has replaced what might have otherwise been a straight line.
The tree flourishes;
It bears fruit,
Provides shade,
becomes a home to birds and squirrels.
It is not the same tree it would have been had there not been a lightning storm,
But some say it is more interesting this way.
Few can even remember the event that changed its shape forever.
Wednesday, 10 July 2013
July 10 2013
We are officially signed up for the Adoption Education Program! WAHOO. We've been checking the website to see if it the link has gone live approximately a million times a day, so when it went up I almost hyperventilated. I got this email from the coordinator (Whom I've been in contact with before asking about the AEP) minutes after the registrations were complete:
We did try to weasel the course dates up a bit, but it was to no avail:
Wow! It’s here and within a second of publishing the links, you’re registered! I adore your keenness!!! You and Cal are officially the first two registrants for AEP-Online. I’ll be the coordinator for the program and you’ll be linked with your facilitator soon. Please add aepcoordinator@bcadoption.com to your email list so that you can receive emails regarding the course (so they don’t go to your junk box).
Pretty darn excited for the fall. I know I'll miss Summer (Mostly the sun) when it's gone, but MAN I can't wait to start the process.
We did try to weasel the course dates up a bit, but it was to no avail:
From: Me
Thank you!
Yup, we're keeners...we have been checking the AEP site approximately 100000 (Slight hyperbole....maybe) times a day waiting for the link to go live. We are excited to start....seeing as your the co-ordinator you should have it start earlier ;) How about tomorrow HAHA.
The wording was a bit confusing for the registering as a couple - we did do it correctly right?
Have a great day!
From: Them
I believe you have it right. You both have to register on your own with separate email addresses, yet you also need to include your partner’s name in the registration form so that we know you are a couple. I’ll try to clarify that on the web page.
If I could, I would start it tomorrow, just for you. Alas, September will come soon enough!
Cheers,
Poem, Quotes, Comic - Things that I wanted to share
I have collected a few things related to adoption that have really caught my attention or my heart. I thought I would share them here so that other people may stumble upon them too.
A beautiful way to think of adoption. I will one day be a "Heart Mummy"
A friend told me to look up this poem when we were discussing openness with birth families. Our adopted children will have some many people loving them.
You learn a lot about children when you get on their level.
This quote was in a book primarily on the subject of FAS. There is such truth in it, for all parents (and teachers)
July 9 2013
WAHOO! Signed up for an adoption conference in Calgary Alberta today. It's on November 8th and 9th, and we're registered. I got so excited I didn't really think about the fact that I should really get my work holidays approved before I registered, or maybe set up childcare (We will either have to leave Elliott home with somebody, or bring someone along with us to watch him). http://waitingtobelong.ca/conference The cost for the two days, for both of us is $180, and that includes an extra conference and lunch on the Saturday. I read rave reviews about last year's conference in Vancouver - I hope this years is as good. The "Waiting to Belong" is an initiative of Focus on the Family - I grew up listening to the radio show on and off. Last year Russell Moore did a session, I would like to hear him speak live one day.
Now, if only the AEP registration would open up I'd be able to stop worrying about missing the September session! Both Cal and I check the webpage several times a day (several is an understatement for me....) Reading the "Registration Coming Soon!" over and over again throughout the day might be driving me a bit insane (Short trip!!)
I've been discussing openness with an adoptive parent friend the last couple days via email. She asked me what I think about openness, which made me really have to think and attempt to vocalize my thoughts (ok, write them...same difference) my response went a little something like this: "Before I did any reading on the subject I felt pulled towards closed adoption. I think the way adoption is portrayed in most books and movies led me to feel that way. When I started researching and reading I felt strongly pushed towards openness. Then my friend's sister's baby was born, and was taken by the ministry, and I learned from a real family what openness can mean. I put myself into their situation, by imagining that none of their family members were emotionally or financially able to take on the baby, and therefore he was place for adoption and we were able to bring him home with us. How could I keep him from having a relationship with these grandparents and aunt & uncle & cousin, and half brother, who love him dearly? At the same time that that was going on I received the Focus on Adoption magazine for the quarter, and it was entirely about openness. I'm sure when we have a placement we will have struggles and doubts, but right now I'm very much an advocate for openness. I really believe a person's history is important, and they should have all the facts - the information is theirs, so it should be available to them from an early age (All the information, described age appropriately)."
Now, if only the AEP registration would open up I'd be able to stop worrying about missing the September session! Both Cal and I check the webpage several times a day (several is an understatement for me....) Reading the "Registration Coming Soon!" over and over again throughout the day might be driving me a bit insane (Short trip!!)
I've been discussing openness with an adoptive parent friend the last couple days via email. She asked me what I think about openness, which made me really have to think and attempt to vocalize my thoughts (ok, write them...same difference) my response went a little something like this: "Before I did any reading on the subject I felt pulled towards closed adoption. I think the way adoption is portrayed in most books and movies led me to feel that way. When I started researching and reading I felt strongly pushed towards openness. Then my friend's sister's baby was born, and was taken by the ministry, and I learned from a real family what openness can mean. I put myself into their situation, by imagining that none of their family members were emotionally or financially able to take on the baby, and therefore he was place for adoption and we were able to bring him home with us. How could I keep him from having a relationship with these grandparents and aunt & uncle & cousin, and half brother, who love him dearly? At the same time that that was going on I received the Focus on Adoption magazine for the quarter, and it was entirely about openness. I'm sure when we have a placement we will have struggles and doubts, but right now I'm very much an advocate for openness. I really believe a person's history is important, and they should have all the facts - the information is theirs, so it should be available to them from an early age (All the information, described age appropriately)."
Friday, 5 July 2013
July 5 2013
My mother asked me about how the adoption is coming along today, so I mentioned my frustration with the AEP taking 13 weeks to complete. She said something along the lines of "You'll get it done and they'll want to place a sibling group of 4 with you!" We hadn't mentioned that that's exactly what we're looking into doing. I told her that then and she got quite excited, especially when I told her the children in the group on MCFD's website are all under 7. She asked if we'd have them for Christmas HAHA. I am so exited about her enthusiasm. It really does make me happy - I think she was frustrated by the wait time as well - which helps me to realize that I'm not entirely unreasonable in my frustration.
I found another 13 books to add to our growing library of Adoption/Parenting books. Our library is getting quite extensive, as is my "research reference document" - It's a list of all the references I want to keep track or, like DVDs, Books, Radio Broadcasts, Interviews, webinars, and websites that I want to keep track of so that I can return to them at a later date. I'm working on my 5th page of a word document now.
I found another 13 books to add to our growing library of Adoption/Parenting books. Our library is getting quite extensive, as is my "research reference document" - It's a list of all the references I want to keep track or, like DVDs, Books, Radio Broadcasts, Interviews, webinars, and websites that I want to keep track of so that I can return to them at a later date. I'm working on my 5th page of a word document now.
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
July 3 2013
I had a response back from Dianna, the author of the blog post that mentioned the AEP Self Study Plus program:
Hi
Thanks for your email. Unfortunately your appraisal of the situation is accurate. The next Online AEP doesn’t begin until September and we are no longer offering the Self Study Plus, and as you have probably figured out, not much happens throughout the summer when it comes to MCFD processing paperwork. I completely understand wanting to “hurry up and get on with it”, and perhaps while you wait for the Online AEP, this would be a good time to be doing some of your own research on common special needs such as attachment, trauma, FASD, grief and loss.
Would you like some suggestions on books to read, or websites to look for? I would be happy to provide some of those for you. What ages of children are you considering, and what types of special needs would you consider?
It was great to have response back from her so quickly, and her offer to suggest resources was very much appreciated. To give her an idea of where we are at I replied with this:
Hello Dianna,
Thank you so much for your speedy response. It's disappointing to hear that the Self Study Plus is no longer an option, but it doesn't come as a surprise.
I am ALWAYS open to suggestions and recommendations when it comes to research. I've attached a document that shows the resources we're currently utilizing. Recommendations of Books, Movies, Websites, Articles, TV shows, anything that you can think of that would be beneficial for us to know so that we'll be equipped to handle the needs of the children coming into our home, would be great.
We are considering sibling groups up to 4 kids, with an age range of 0-13. At this time we aren't able to take on any children with severe disabilities or special needs.
Our biological son just turned two and our social worker suggested we look into information about adopting out of birth order, but we've been unable to find any resources specific to the subject. I've acquired the Birth Order Book by Kevin Leman, and I've spoken with Andrea Chatwin from A Child's Song about it (That was a great response, so I attached it here as well, though I did remove some of her personal story, as I don't feel it's my place to share it).
We have fertility issues, and a miscarriage in our past, and while we believe we would be able to conceive another biological child we've chosen to adopt instead - It's choice not a last resort. If you feel that any "adoption after infertility" resources would be applicable then please share them as well :)
The waiting is frustrating in part because I feel that the younger our son is the easier it will be for him being "displaced" in the family order, and in part because I worry about what our future children are going through right now.
Is the AEP still being offered in person in any of the regions, or will they all be online through the AFABC now?
Thank you so much for your time, and future suggestions - I very much appreciate it.
I attached a copy of Andrea's email because I really think it is a great response, so I'm sharing it with others, and I attached the four page document showing the research materials and resources that we have acquired. Hopefully she will be able to provide some really great information to add to what we've already begun.
July 2 2013 #2
The first post from today was about adoption, this one is about the loss of our baby in October. I didn't think that they went well together, so decided to do them separately.
I've been re-visiting a lot of memories from our miscarriage lately. It's been....hard...sad...affirming. Our little one's life had meaning, and I'm seeing it first hand this week. I have known all along that God had plans and that he would use the situation in some way. I'm experiencing bits of what he has in store for us. God is good, and He heals all wounds. This part of the post is pretty vague, because the situation is private, but I've been thinking about our little one so much that I needed him included here. I wanted to discuss him a little bit, because he is real, he is my son and he is important to me.
This is our story of Ezekiel - Please read with caution if you've ever been through, or are currently going through a miscarriage. This is my memory of it all:
Cal and I decided after E's 1st birthday in May of 2012 that it was time to start trying for our next baby. We started the fertility treatments again (I have been diagnosed with PCOS) and I found out that I was pregnant on September 25th. I kept our little munchkin as my own special secret for 3 whole days, but I couldn't keep it to myself any longer, I told Cal over dinner on Sept 28th. We went on our first date in months that night, and it was so exciting to share the news with him. We started dreaming and planning from that moment. I broke a key rule that I had put in place for myself with our first child; we went on a trip, and I was gung ho to buy baby items. I bought a little brown onesie with football laces on the front. I was sure our newest bundle of joy would be a boy, and I dubbed him my little football. I also bought a "Best Big Bro" shirt for our older son. We kept our news very close, with the exception of a friend of mine whom I'd met though a infertility chat room, and a very close friend of mine in town. Cal didn't share the news with anyone. I remember the night of October 18th, I had a wonderful, glorious dream, that I had felt our little football kick. I texted my friend about it the morning of the 19th (my birthday) and I remember how excited I felt. My husband, son and I had a cozy morning, just hanging out in bed, I don't think we got up until 11am. When I did finally get up and go to the bathroom I noticed there was blood. I am certain I was in shock. I remember leaving the bathroom with a heavy heart, I went straight to Cal and I hugged him, and I told him I believed I was loosing our baby. He asked if we should go to the hospital and I told him that if I was loosing the baby there was nothing they could do anyway. He took me in anyway, and I was sent for a blood test. That night my doctor called me personally at home, I think around 6 or 7, he told me that my numbers were very low, and it was likely I should prepare for a miscarriage. I remember his voice was so sympathetic, and professional, yet sad. I went to work the next day, I didn't want to call in sick because I didn't want to answer to the manager that was at my office at the time. My close friend from town whom I had told about our pregnancy stopped by. She had previously been through a miscarriage and she came to see how I was doing. I was a mess, and luckily work was slow that day, because we cried together. She is a beautiful person, and I appreciated having her to talk to. I recall crying so hard, and then finally blurting out something like "What did I do...I feel like I'm to blame..." and then I listed off a bunch of things that I did, like take a pepto bismol pill, and pick up our 1 year old, and drink a cup of coffee each day. She hugged me and held me and told me that this was not my fault. She told me that there was probably something wrong with the baby, and my body knew it and was taking care of us. That was not, and still is not, a comforting thought, but I still appreciate that she tried so hard to comfort me. I also want to share that I still feel guilt and question if I was at least partially to blame for the loss of our little one. I called a co-worker halfway through the day and offered to pay her cash if she would work for me. She agreed to work for me that afternoon, and none of my other co-workers ever knew that she had. I never told any of my co-workers what was going on. I went home and rested, I was still trying to tell myself that the bleeding was not a miscarriage...there had to be another explanation. I had cramping and was starting to loose blood clots, along with new blood. That evening we attended my birthday party with my husband's family. I really do think that we were in shock. We never told them what was going on at the time, and instead I pretended to be the happy birthday girl. To this day receiving gifts is a chore, there is no joy in it - it's draining, and a lot of work. I spent a lot of time researching different reasons for bleeding in early pregnancy, and then as I finally allowed myself to know that we were loosing the munchkin I changed my focus to finding a name. I wanted a name with meaning that suited the situation. I searched for all sorts of names, but Cal is the one who came up with our final decision - Ezekiel (a name that he'd actually wanted for a long time, but I kiboshed because I didn't like the nickname Zeke) and when we realized the meaning was "God will strengthen" it was the only option. October 21st is the day that I actually "delivered" our baby. I was scared, and sad, and unable to retrieve the sac. I cringe when I think about flushing our beautiful tiny baby down the toilet, but neither Cal or I could deal with any other options. If I could go back I still don't know if I could change what we chose to do. We began telling our families, and they were very supportive. It was very very hard to tell the sad news, without getting to tell them the happy news. If we were to ever become pregnant again (though that is not the plan) I would institute a rule that anyone we would tell the bad news would be told the good news as soon as we wanted to tell them...no silly 12 week rule. Cal did not get to tell a single soul about our beautiful glorious baby when he was alive, and it still hurts my heart when I think about it. I continued to bleed for about 2 weeks after, it was draining - emotionally physically, and in any other way possible. Many "milestones" were hard to face - my 11 week ultra sound for one; it was supposed to be the ultrasound to find out if we were having multiples or not (Fertility drugs remember?), but was instead an ultrasound to see if there was any remaining tissue in the womb. The tech was not told of the change, so began asking me questions about the pregnancy. I held myself together, but barely. Christmas was hard - we asked that no one give us presents, and that actually caused more problems than we had expected. Each month when the 19-21st rolled around were awful. I would fall apart all over again, even though I thought I was coming further along in healing. I told myself over and over and over again that God would use the situation in some way - we are in His hands, and our baby is with Him. When we began our adoption process in March (which I won't detail in this post...go back to the beginning of the blog and start again if you forget how it all started) I really began to feel a sense of peace. Our due date was another hard day, I actually had an appointment with a gynecologist that day. It was unfortunate scheduling, but was a beneficial appointment anyway. I miss our baby Ezekiel all the time, and I really don't think it will go away. I loved and love our child and that will never change - I'm his Mum.
I wrote a poem for our babe on the 23rd of October, it's no work of art by any means, but I feel like maybe I should share it here anyway, because it does illustrate some of the emotions I was dealing with, and how I was dealing with them.
Ezekiel
Why did your life end before it began?
With all of our dreams that was not in the plan.
You were loved all along, right from the start,
It's amazing how quickly it was that you stole our hearts.
Now there are worries, tears, sorrow and pain
Also relief - when we found you your name.
"God will strengthen" is the meaning we chose,
Your name is Ezekiel, you're loved more than you know.
We mourn for the loss of E's little brother
Feel sad that you won't ever be with your mother
Daddy acts tough, but is hurting inside
The pain we all feel is impossible to hide.
We love you and cherish our short memories.
We're glad you're with Jesus, he loves all babies.
He said "Let the little children come to me"
Please know that I find comfort in Jesus' decree.
We love you forever son.
I hope this post isn't disturbing to anyone, and I truly hope that it may be helpful in some way. Ezekiel's short life made a large impact on me - I know that it will be something God uses throughout my life.
I've been re-visiting a lot of memories from our miscarriage lately. It's been....hard...sad...affirming. Our little one's life had meaning, and I'm seeing it first hand this week. I have known all along that God had plans and that he would use the situation in some way. I'm experiencing bits of what he has in store for us. God is good, and He heals all wounds. This part of the post is pretty vague, because the situation is private, but I've been thinking about our little one so much that I needed him included here. I wanted to discuss him a little bit, because he is real, he is my son and he is important to me.
This is our story of Ezekiel - Please read with caution if you've ever been through, or are currently going through a miscarriage. This is my memory of it all:
Cal and I decided after E's 1st birthday in May of 2012 that it was time to start trying for our next baby. We started the fertility treatments again (I have been diagnosed with PCOS) and I found out that I was pregnant on September 25th. I kept our little munchkin as my own special secret for 3 whole days, but I couldn't keep it to myself any longer, I told Cal over dinner on Sept 28th. We went on our first date in months that night, and it was so exciting to share the news with him. We started dreaming and planning from that moment. I broke a key rule that I had put in place for myself with our first child; we went on a trip, and I was gung ho to buy baby items. I bought a little brown onesie with football laces on the front. I was sure our newest bundle of joy would be a boy, and I dubbed him my little football. I also bought a "Best Big Bro" shirt for our older son. We kept our news very close, with the exception of a friend of mine whom I'd met though a infertility chat room, and a very close friend of mine in town. Cal didn't share the news with anyone. I remember the night of October 18th, I had a wonderful, glorious dream, that I had felt our little football kick. I texted my friend about it the morning of the 19th (my birthday) and I remember how excited I felt. My husband, son and I had a cozy morning, just hanging out in bed, I don't think we got up until 11am. When I did finally get up and go to the bathroom I noticed there was blood. I am certain I was in shock. I remember leaving the bathroom with a heavy heart, I went straight to Cal and I hugged him, and I told him I believed I was loosing our baby. He asked if we should go to the hospital and I told him that if I was loosing the baby there was nothing they could do anyway. He took me in anyway, and I was sent for a blood test. That night my doctor called me personally at home, I think around 6 or 7, he told me that my numbers were very low, and it was likely I should prepare for a miscarriage. I remember his voice was so sympathetic, and professional, yet sad. I went to work the next day, I didn't want to call in sick because I didn't want to answer to the manager that was at my office at the time. My close friend from town whom I had told about our pregnancy stopped by. She had previously been through a miscarriage and she came to see how I was doing. I was a mess, and luckily work was slow that day, because we cried together. She is a beautiful person, and I appreciated having her to talk to. I recall crying so hard, and then finally blurting out something like "What did I do...I feel like I'm to blame..." and then I listed off a bunch of things that I did, like take a pepto bismol pill, and pick up our 1 year old, and drink a cup of coffee each day. She hugged me and held me and told me that this was not my fault. She told me that there was probably something wrong with the baby, and my body knew it and was taking care of us. That was not, and still is not, a comforting thought, but I still appreciate that she tried so hard to comfort me. I also want to share that I still feel guilt and question if I was at least partially to blame for the loss of our little one. I called a co-worker halfway through the day and offered to pay her cash if she would work for me. She agreed to work for me that afternoon, and none of my other co-workers ever knew that she had. I never told any of my co-workers what was going on. I went home and rested, I was still trying to tell myself that the bleeding was not a miscarriage...there had to be another explanation. I had cramping and was starting to loose blood clots, along with new blood. That evening we attended my birthday party with my husband's family. I really do think that we were in shock. We never told them what was going on at the time, and instead I pretended to be the happy birthday girl. To this day receiving gifts is a chore, there is no joy in it - it's draining, and a lot of work. I spent a lot of time researching different reasons for bleeding in early pregnancy, and then as I finally allowed myself to know that we were loosing the munchkin I changed my focus to finding a name. I wanted a name with meaning that suited the situation. I searched for all sorts of names, but Cal is the one who came up with our final decision - Ezekiel (a name that he'd actually wanted for a long time, but I kiboshed because I didn't like the nickname Zeke) and when we realized the meaning was "God will strengthen" it was the only option. October 21st is the day that I actually "delivered" our baby. I was scared, and sad, and unable to retrieve the sac. I cringe when I think about flushing our beautiful tiny baby down the toilet, but neither Cal or I could deal with any other options. If I could go back I still don't know if I could change what we chose to do. We began telling our families, and they were very supportive. It was very very hard to tell the sad news, without getting to tell them the happy news. If we were to ever become pregnant again (though that is not the plan) I would institute a rule that anyone we would tell the bad news would be told the good news as soon as we wanted to tell them...no silly 12 week rule. Cal did not get to tell a single soul about our beautiful glorious baby when he was alive, and it still hurts my heart when I think about it. I continued to bleed for about 2 weeks after, it was draining - emotionally physically, and in any other way possible. Many "milestones" were hard to face - my 11 week ultra sound for one; it was supposed to be the ultrasound to find out if we were having multiples or not (Fertility drugs remember?), but was instead an ultrasound to see if there was any remaining tissue in the womb. The tech was not told of the change, so began asking me questions about the pregnancy. I held myself together, but barely. Christmas was hard - we asked that no one give us presents, and that actually caused more problems than we had expected. Each month when the 19-21st rolled around were awful. I would fall apart all over again, even though I thought I was coming further along in healing. I told myself over and over and over again that God would use the situation in some way - we are in His hands, and our baby is with Him. When we began our adoption process in March (which I won't detail in this post...go back to the beginning of the blog and start again if you forget how it all started) I really began to feel a sense of peace. Our due date was another hard day, I actually had an appointment with a gynecologist that day. It was unfortunate scheduling, but was a beneficial appointment anyway. I miss our baby Ezekiel all the time, and I really don't think it will go away. I loved and love our child and that will never change - I'm his Mum.
I wrote a poem for our babe on the 23rd of October, it's no work of art by any means, but I feel like maybe I should share it here anyway, because it does illustrate some of the emotions I was dealing with, and how I was dealing with them.
Ezekiel
Why did your life end before it began?
With all of our dreams that was not in the plan.
You were loved all along, right from the start,
It's amazing how quickly it was that you stole our hearts.
Now there are worries, tears, sorrow and pain
Also relief - when we found you your name.
"God will strengthen" is the meaning we chose,
Your name is Ezekiel, you're loved more than you know.
We mourn for the loss of E's little brother
Feel sad that you won't ever be with your mother
Daddy acts tough, but is hurting inside
The pain we all feel is impossible to hide.
We love you and cherish our short memories.
We're glad you're with Jesus, he loves all babies.
He said "Let the little children come to me"
Please know that I find comfort in Jesus' decree.
We love you forever son.
I hope this post isn't disturbing to anyone, and I truly hope that it may be helpful in some way. Ezekiel's short life made a large impact on me - I know that it will be something God uses throughout my life.
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
July 2 2013
SO FREAKING FRUSTRATED.
So this evening I pulled up the AFABC website, as I do several hundred times a day, to check and see if the AEP course has been put on the site yet. Tonight a teaser was put up, and it's making me a little insane.
Here is what the site has to say about duration and start date:
AEP Online is a 12-week program, set within a 13-week framework, thus allowing participants a week to rest or to get caught up. Each week requires approximately 5 hours a week of your time.
So this evening I pulled up the AFABC website, as I do several hundred times a day, to check and see if the AEP course has been put on the site yet. Tonight a teaser was put up, and it's making me a little insane.
Here is what the site has to say about duration and start date:
AEP Online is a 12-week program, set within a 13-week framework, thus allowing participants a week to rest or to get caught up. Each week requires approximately 5 hours a week of your time.
We are offering 3 start dates this fall. Each start date includes two cohorts.
TWELVE WEEKS! In all the correspondence I've had with social workers and support coordinators and people from the AFABC, not a single person mentioned that it was going to take THREE months to complete. I don't think I/we (Cal is bothered by it too) would mind as much if it was at least going to be offered sooner. To have to wait, and do nothing to progress the process, for four months?! (We completed the last step that we could in May when we handed in our medical questionnaires). We started all this in March and haven't had the option to do the MANDATORY education until 5 1/2 months later....completing it 8 1/2 months later. How does that make sense?! It seems like nobody cares about these kids!!!!! I want to bring them home and love them, and be their Mum, but the stupid system is getting in the way. If it was for a good reason I would be on board, but MAN OH MAN, it's starting to drive me bonkers.
I was doing okay, but when this was uploaded tonight I snapped a little. I think Cal did too, because he decided we needed to contact the author of this blog post: http://adoptionsupportinterior.blogspot.ca/2011/04/aep-ssp-and-other-annoying-acronyms.html to ask her about the AEP SSP (Self Study Program), and whether it would still be an option.
This is the email we just sent:
My husband and I began the process to adopt through MCFD in March. We have been waiting to start the AEP and are frustrated that there are no courses starting until the fall. We found your blog post http://adoptionsupportinterior.blogspot.ca/2011/04/aep-ssp-and-other-annoying-acronyms.html that discusses Self Study, and we were really interested in it, because it doesn't sound like you have to go by any specific schedule. We are in the northern region. We have completed our medical questionnaires, application, criminal record check, and all of our references are in. We've been doing a lot of research, including taking AFABC webinars. We understand that there will be a new program where remote communities can take the AEP online through AFABC, but the first available one starts in September and will not be complete until the end of November. If there is any way that we could begin the education sooner we would really like to avoid the wait.
Your program sounds ideal, and if it is still an option, we'd be very interested in more information on it. We have had a difficult time finding anyone to give us concrete information about the AEP course (probably because of the big changes with AFABC offering it online) and we would be very interested in any information you could share with us.
Hopefully she gets back to us tomorrow.
On a more cheerful note, we are having a bbq with our friends with the adopted girl with FAS tomorrow night. I'm looking forward to it, they're great people.
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